So here I am thinking that Aiden and I are back together. I mean like, not officially, but definitely on the verge, especially since I’ve gone to see him a couple times and we’ve been talking more and I’ve retreated back to calling him “baby” vs. Aiden and the fact that we say I love you at the end of our conversations. I mean, right?

No, we haven’t had a conversation about the issue, but, I guess I really assumed that we had unofficially kinda gotten back together. I assumed that because I came clean with him and told him everything about Mr.Big and he told me about his little escapade, that the slates were wiped clean and we were starting over. I guess all the newness of the #NewYear clouded my judgment. I assumed that because I hadn’t spoken to Big that likewise, he’d cut ties with his little friend-friend, too. So I asked him, initially in a light-hearted and sarcastic tone if we were indeed back together. And honestly unexpectedly, he replied “we’re still taking steps”. So naturally, the immediate question in my mind which uncontrollably came out of my mouth was, “are you still talking to somebody?” For which he first tried to coyly get around, until he quickly noticed the seriousness in my silence, by answering the question with a question. Prolonged silence on my end, he struggled to say yes. The “yeah” turned into a lengthy monologue that basically sounded to me like “yes”.

Not to sound boastful, but I was actually quite surprised. As naïve (or whatever) it may sound, I honestly semi-believed that if I told him the truth about everything and how much of a mistake I knew I’d made, that he would give up anyone to be back with me. Better yet, the real truth is, I didn’t think that he was that involved with anyone else. Now I’m not as naïve to believe that he was sleeping alone for the time that we were apart, but I assumed that it would be limited to just that. The fact that he’s still communicating with her lets me know that he really does have feelings now that he’s invested into her. The question now is, how invested?

The answer to this question, in my opinion, is really irrelevant to me. What or how he feels for her shouldn’t change what he feels for me. Aiden loves me, this much I do know. My concern is not an issue of him loving me, it’s forgiving me.

I knew Aiden would have some reservations about giving me a second chance, and rightfully so. By my own admission, I broke his heart for no good reason. And I figured (and was okay with the fact) that I’d have to earn my trust back from him. What I wasn’t prepared for, was feeling the exact pain that I inflicted on him. I wasn’t expecting the wedge between us to be someone else. The fact that he’s still talking to her is because he’s conflicted.

I don’t understand how we’re even “taking steps” towards getting back together, if he’s communicating or “taking steps” with someone else. If that’s the case, then the logical thing for me to do is “step away”. When you really love someone, there’s no room and no need for anyone else. On the other hand, a wise piece of me wants him to keep talking to her. This piece of me knows that if we are truly meant to be together, then he needs to talk to her, and anybody else that he thinks is best for him. Whether it’s Beyonce, Rasheeda (DaBossChick) Frost, or the knock off version of me, so that he’ll realize that nothing compares to the real thing, although they do say that imitation is the highest form of flattery. But who really wants a counterfeit?

A part of me wants to act like I’m okay with it because we aren’t together. While the other part of me wants to be angry and stop calling him altogether. Not saying that I won’t talk to him, just stop calling. But I don’t wanna play games with him. Even when his heart was in a million little pieces, Aiden still called to check on me and tell me that he loved me, which is just one reason why I love him so much. The man probably does have a heart of pure gold. The truth is, even though #ItIsWhatItIs, I still want to talk to him. I still want to love him. I still want to be with him. What I don’t want, is to get my heart broken.

-TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw