Image credit: hercampus.com

7/19/15

“I’m gnna be nice about this bc she caught me just b4 I walked in church this morning. But please dnt have ur @1S%# call my phone again,” is the original txt that I sent him today after I get a call from a certain 323 area code. So once I get outta church and call him, as he requested that I do via txt msg, & his conversation is immediately deflected towards how he doesn’t know what he’s gonna do about his fish tank…… !?@#? Your fish tank? “Ok, wait….I’m confused. Did you get my txt this morning,” I ask. Then suddenly, he realizes that we did have that conversation this morning. So of course, I want answers. And I’ve got questions. So as you know, Big and I have always, for some unspoken reason operated on a “don’t ask, don’t tell” basis. However, when we ask, we always tell the truth. That’s just one of the rules of our unspoken policy. And while I appreciate his honesty with me, sometimes I’m not always prepared for the answers to the questions that I ask. But in any case, I ask, as I did today. At first he kept saying that he didn’t know why she was calling me and all that, talking about he can’t explain why someone does the things that they do (now that’s that facetious & psychological ish that I don’t like, lol). So obviously, I asked the wrong question. I then asked, straight to the point, “is she someone whom you are dealing with, sleeping with or in a relationship with” (#&InThatOrder). “No, I’m not in a relationship with her but it is someone I was dealing with” he explains. “Okay, so that’s the answer to my question, then” I responded.

So here’s my problem with the situation.

The operative word here being “relationship”. The fact of the matter is that Big is not in a “committed” relationship with her, but for all intents and purposes he is in a relationship with her, the same way he is in “relationship” with me, otherwise, feelings (& by feelings, I’m referring to hers and mine) wouldn’t be involved. Merriam Webster defines the word relationship as “the way in which two or more people, groups or countries, ect., talk, behave toward, and deal with each other” “a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings; a romantic or passionate attachment”. Synonyms for the word include an association, involvement or connection.

I feel like Big uses the word “relationship” as a safeguard so he’s free to “deal” with whomever he chooses, whenever he chooses to. Hence the word he prefers to use “homegirl”. As for the two of us, we haven’t “dealt” with each other in that sense of the word in God knows when. But I actually believed that it was because he had chosen the path of celibacy that he alluded to before and that he really wasn’t “dealing” with anyone, (let him tell it). I actually believed that when he was here a few weeks ago and we didn’t have “dealings” that it was way more intimate than any time that we had spent in a long time.

I just feel like he has zero regard for my feelings after all this time. Do you know that he hadn’t even called to check this female 2 hrs after I texted him? Um hmm, because he wanted “all the details” before he calls and checks somebody…….mk. No, let me tell you the real reason. BECAUSE HE’S DEALING WITH HER! He can’t call and piss her off because then it’ll look like he really is involved with me if he checks her & he doesn’t want that.

I’m so frustrated with the fact that because Big and I have never had a commitment to each other, that he feels like my feelings aren’t warranted or something. Or like I’m not supposed to have them, even. At this point in the game….better yet, at this point in my life, I’m tired of it. And I deserve more than that. I’m worth more than that. Or even what he’s given me for the past 9 years. It’s like, I don’t even know what I’m waiting on from him anymore. I feel like, even though we weren’t committed to each other, I was committed to him. And yeah, I was stupid for that. Knowing he’s all the way on the other side of the country! And maybe I was stupid to think that he was sleeping alone every night, but I really believed him when he use to tell me with such conviction that he’s so on another level that he’s not worried about p**** and how trifling the women  that he comes across are that he just be on some more stuff. I really thought that he had enough discipline that maybe he wasn’t “dealing” around like that. Let him tell it, he doesn’t even bring people to his house…ok.

So he’s not in a relationship with her……uh hum. And that’s the same thing he’s gonna tell her about me the next time they talk, smh.

#NoDeal #DealWithThat #BecauseImWorthIt #DealBreaker #Done

For more, check out my companion post for this piece on Odyssey, here!