There are few things that I enjoy more than turning the key to my place of solace, cooking a nice meal and sitting in front of a wood-burning fireplace on a night like tonight, I mean, red wine is one of them, but other than that, very few things can compare. While most people detest the onset of a soggy forecast, I, on the other hand, welcome it. I enjoy, oddly enough, driving in the rain, when I can put on my gospel music, sing as loud as I want to and purge all my tears, fears and pain that’s often long overdue.
While I had a phenomenal day at work today, I fantasized about how I’d spend my evening. What I’d cook. What I’d wear after I had my bath. What fragrance I’d choose to soak in…. Laura Mercier Crème Brûlѐe honey bath, I decided. And Mahogany teakwood candles to align each room. Normally, I reserve this kind of self-indulgence for Thursdays or the rare occasion when I have a d*ck appointment, but hey, it’s been a slow month. Aside from that, I have my very first company event tomorrow and it’s slated to be one incredible night of networking, so I figured I’d make time to pamper myself tonight instead.
I retired to my couch & whatever happened to be on t.v. at the moment while the crackling of embers transported me to the memory of the last time he was here. Right here. With me.
I can’t decide if I’m mad, sad or indifferent. I don’t want to be anything besides “over it”, but I’m not. I still think about him way more than I should. Mostly because I’m confused. And not even by his actions, to be honest, but how I allowed it to happen this last time. I thought I had it under control. And I kinda did. If I’m honest, I can’t say that his last disappearance came as a surprise. I expected it would come at some point. Just not at the point when we seemed to be the best we’d ever been. I feel so stupid. I’m so confused. I fought hard to hold back the tears. Then I remembered, even the skies cried, sometimes. Maybe that’s why I’ve always loved the rain. Maybe those were tears on my behalf.
I tried justifying it by saying that he got scared. And even though there were times when I felt like he was letting his guard down with me, the times when I could feel him looking at me when he thought I was asleep, the way he started coming over every single day even when he knew he wasn’t gonna get any because I had my period, the way he got emotional & hugged me like Martin did in that episode that Gina bought him Jerk chicken when he found that I bought his favorite beer in my refrigerator. I tried telling myself that those “little things” were major for us. Because to me, they were. Because he’d never done that in the past. Before when I’d complain about him not calling me on a regular basis, it fell on deaf ears. But this time, he was making the effort. I even commented to him that I didn’t know what had sparked the change in him because he was on a streak of being super attentive. And affectionate. But I appreciated that. And his response seemed genuine and sincere when he said that he wanted to be better about checking in with me so my mind wouldn’t wonder to all the wrong places about what he was doing when he wasn’t with me.
“Okay Baby, I’ll call you when the show is over. I miss you, Baby.” Those were the last words I heard him speak.
“I miss you, too, Babe. I’ll see you later” I replied.