I know many of you feel like since I’m the poster girl for weddings that I must have every detail of my wedding day already planned. L I E S.
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If I’m honest, I’m not sure if I really see a wedding in my future (or marriage, for that matter). I like the idea of marriage, but the older I get, the more unsure of it I become. Some people say it’s because I haven’t met the “𝒓𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕” one yet. And I would like to believe that.
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I would like to believe that a love does exist that will sound like every cliche I’ve ever heard. You know, 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒊𝒕 𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖’𝒍𝒍 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 or you need someone to 𝒔𝒘𝒆𝒆𝒑 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒐𝒇𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒕…
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And I do believe in that kind of love, but sometimes, I wonder if exists for “me”. It’s almost easier for me to believe it for you guys rather than for myself. Or maybe the reason I created my hashtag #𝐈𝐆𝐨𝐭𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 is because, subconsciously, I really hope it’s manifesting in another realm and just waiting for the right time before it reaches me.
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I have to admit, my last relationship fucked me up pretty badly. And while I’m far better than I was, I’m still not completely healed from that pain. I think sometimes (okay, a lot of the time) I push people away. Seriously, I’ve tried dating since my last relationship and I swear if the guy breaths too hard, I’m utterly turned off. For a long time, I didn’t even recognize this as a form of self-sabotage in my relationships. In my defense, I’ve convinced myself that it’s for their own good. A part of me feels like it’s not fair to get involved with anyone when I know I still have work to do. But the other part of me feels like I use my past as a crutch to keep people at bay. What I’m learning is that the deeper issue beneath my own self-destruction in relationships is FEAR that presents itself in the form of control. I’m such an Alpha that it’s hard for me to give up control because I’m afraid to trust someone enough with my heart. And what I really want is a man who is strong enough, who will fight hard enough to show me that it’s safe to love again.
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What I want is a love that says, “𝑰 𝒅𝒐𝒏’𝒕 𝒄𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒆𝒅 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒑𝒂𝒔𝒕. 𝑨𝒍𝒍 𝑰 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒊𝒔 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒇𝒖𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒆. 𝑩𝒆𝒄𝒂𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝑰 𝒃𝒆𝒍𝒊𝒆𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒉 𝒊𝒕. 𝑨𝒏𝒅 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒈𝒊𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒅𝒆𝒔𝒆𝒓𝒗𝒆.” What I really want is a friendship so strong that it catches me off guard when I realize I’ve fallen in love.
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Like I said in my book, #𝑮𝒉𝒐𝒔𝒕𝒔𝑶𝒇𝑳𝒐𝒗𝒆𝑳𝒊𝒗𝒆𝒔𝑷𝒂𝒔𝒕, love is scary because it’s a journey into the unknown. Love is having to reveal your true self…to yourself and another human being. IDK about you, but that is scary asF to me. I’m a controlling, analytical, selfish workaholic, which almost seems like a consequence of me being successful. On top of that I’m educated, independent and about my business and don’t really need a nigga for shit (excuse my language), which is also crazy because for the men I do date, that means I really fucking WANT you or see some potential if I’m even investing time into seeing you, calling, and texting you.
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But getting back to the point, opening your true self up to someone runs the risk of believing someone really likes you until they get to see the REAL you (you know, all the ugly things) that we don’t want people to see. I know no one’s perfect, but sometimes I fear that I may come with too much baggage for someone to hold. Which is why I’m working on myself, so no one has to carry my crap. Including me.
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I know that it’s going to take some work (& some time) but I really do hope I can get this shit figured out before I get too comfortable being alone, which there’s absolutely nothing wrong with…but is that something I want foreer? I’m not sure. Ultimately, (not right now, but) I want companionship. I want a partner to go through life with. To travel the world with. To call if I’m stuck on the side of road…I mean yes, there’s AAA, but…you know what I mean. I want a person, a real person, in my corner when I lose my dog (or worse). I want an actual shoulder to cry on.
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They say love is a marathon, not a sprint. So with that, the marathon continues…
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The Real Black Carrie Bradshaw 💋