Maybe Your Picker is Broken

Tell me if this sounds familiar. You meet a guy. You start to date. And just when you think things are going well, he pumps the brakes or decides you two are better off as friends. If your relationships all seem to end up the same way, then it may be worth looking into what they all have in common: You.  Check out the following list to find out if your choice in mates is off & tips to fix your picker.

  1. You date the same person over & over. The same type. Whether it’s the athlete or the artist, you like a certain type of guy. For whatever reason, be it their finances or their physique, you are attracted to the same person, physically and sometimes emotionally. Most often, people do this to stay inside their comfort zone, but really it does opposite. It makes you uncomfortable because you don’t allow yourself to try something new, which could turn out to be a pleasant surprise.
  2. You date the same person over & over. No, literally. You keep going back and forth with someone you’ve dealt with before that it never worked out with, hoping things will (somehow) be different this time around. You know, the counterproductive on again/off again relationship. 
  3. You like a challenge, which usually means you date people who are emotionally unavailable. I get it. Sometimes, we enjoy the thrill of a chase, because it gives us a goal, something to look forward to in the end. The problem with this “game” is that someone ends up losing. And if you’re not careful, you’ll end up invested in a relationship with someone who never really had intentions on being with you.
  4. Your relationships look alike. What I mean by this is that your relationships end up the same way. You know what I mean…things start out really hot & heavy and you feel that the two of you have made a real connection but by the 3-month mark, there’s already been a major breakdown in communication, either they’ve slacked up with the calls, dropped off from answering your texts or completely ghosted you because they’ve been “going through alot” or “busy” only to resurface & repeat the same cycle. [they Text– y’all have Sex-they gotta Jet-you got Regret]
  5. You don’t want a partner. You want a project. Have you ever tried dating someone that you really didn’t like or weren’t really attracted to because you thought he was a “fixer upper”? On one hand, you tried giving someone a chance, but the truth of the matter is that deep down, you probably knew it wasn’t going to work. This is a tough one because the idea of getting outside your comfort zone is good, but trying to change a person into what you want them to be doesn’t always work out.
  6. You don’t like nice guys because, to you, they’re boring. The thing about this is usually when you’re used to dysfunctional relationships, you mistake a lack of “drama” as not having chemistry or a spark with someone. We’ve been told all our lives that we need fireworks, but real intimacy should bring you peace, not problems.
  7. You want to fix them. Many women make the mistake of trying to love a man through their issues. He drinks more than you like but you say you don’t mind. You’ve seen that he’s afraid of letting his guard down but you think your love is strong enough to make him feel secure. You realize that your values don’t align but you think if you pray long and hard enough that he’ll eventually come around. Whatever the relationship is NOW is HOW it’s going to be. When you see the signs early, that’s the time to make another selection.

If you can identify with one or more of the items above, then try asking yourself these questions:

  1. Do you have a type? If so, then try something new. Get to know someone sight unseen. Maybe even let someone else hook you up for a change. Blind date, anyone?
  2. What is your type? If you’re dating the same “type” of guy, then challenge yourself to date outside your comfort zone, maybe even let someone else choose for you. 
  3. What are you really looking for? Once you discover what qualities you want in a mate, then you should start looking for those qualities in a person rather than a physical or sexual connection. 

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