Actual excerpts from my diary…
May 24, 2010
“So a few days ago, I decided that I was letting go. I wasn’t going to give in. I wasn’t going to take any of Big’s calls. And so far, it’s going really well. I haven’t taken not even one of his calls in the past 10 days. The reason being that he hasn’t bothered to call not even once in the past 10 days. The more time that goes by, he makes it easy for me to not even want to answer.
In a sense, I feel….relieved that I’ve come to this conclusion. I feel proud of myself for having the courage to stop putting myself through this pain. I’m glad that I’m taking control and responsibility for my actions and my emotions. I’m happy that I’ve accepted the fact that I was disillusioning myself. And while a part of me still has some anxiety, a bigger part of me knows that this is exactly what I need. I want more. Better yet, I’m worth more. I deserve so much more than he ever gave me. And while there were some things I loved about him, there were definitely things that I didn’t love.
For some reason, while I was driving home today, I thought about our big blowout we had in January, when he called me “nothing more than a shallow ignorant whore”. I should’ve left his ass alone then. Anytime somebody can come up with something so horrible, no matter how enraged they are….that was just low. And you know what else, he never apologized for that. He never gave me any insight as to why he said it. In fact, it was almost as if he never said it because he’s never even acknowledged it. I think, that might possibly be the absolute most hurtful & degrading & despicable thing that anyone has ever said to me or about me. In fact, I’m quite certain of it. It still hurts now to think about it. I’m disgusted. I’m so over this!
I’m tired of feeling stupid, naïve & vulnerable & desperate & foolish & pathetic & insecure. As much as I don’t want to admit this, I’m still a little scared off being alone because my expectations are too high. And I’m worried that no one will ever really want to be with me…..”