My Apology to The Other Woman

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I owe you an apology.

Although we’ve never met, I feel like we know each other. Probably as much as anyone can know through the superficial scrubbing of one’s social media profile. I made judgments about you based on your name, pictures & posts, the same way I’m sure you did about me. I clung to assumptions of who I imagined you to be. I side-eyed your pics and trolled your comments. And I questioned some of your hair pieces, as well. And I know that may sound like shade, but it’s not. Continue reading “My Apology to The Other Woman”

Time to Wake Up

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God spoke to me early this morning.

And I know it was nothing but Him because it was before 6am when I was laying in bed, deciding that I was going to snooze for a while. I tried to resist the inner voice that was speaking to me when it grew stronger to the point where it was beyond a metaphor, it was physical. “Get out of your bed and get down on your knees,” He spoke. I didn’t want to do this right now. Then the Lord said, “The day you hear my voice, harden not your heart.” Continue reading “Time to Wake Up”

Note to Self

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Dear Self,
Before you start to doubt yourself, thinking “If only I looked like…” remember who tf you are. Show me the baddest b**** on tha Gram & I’ll show u a b**** thats had her 💔 too. Social media will have you thinking that THIS will make him stay when in reality this chick has been cheated on, too. It’s not what you look like that determines whether or not you’ll get cheated on–its the man you’re dealing with who decides that.
You were created by the Most High. You are beautiful. You are enough. And anytime giving your ALL isn’t enough then you’re giving it to the wrong person.

-TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw

Lessons Learned.

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If there’s one thing 2018 has taught me it’s how to let go.

This year has shown me that holding onto things that aren’t meant for you will cause more harm than good. I know this is as cliché as it gets, but this is more for me than anyone else. This is my lesson, albeit a lesson that I’m still learning.

I wanted to scream so badly, “Don’t be the girl who never leaves him alone.” We all have that friend. Some of us have been that friend. You know the one. The one who is loyal to a fault and no matter what that no good ass ninja does, she still won’t leave his ass alone. I don’t mean this as a diss. I don’t know a woman alive who hasn’t had that one who took her down through there.

I had a revelation this week, as I was in route to do a drive by on my ex. I argued with myself while heading home only to make a detour that was out of my way because “I just had to know.” “Know what,” I answered out of my mouth. Whether he was home. Whether he was alone. Whether or not I’d see that same car that I’d spotted him get into before. I went back and forth with myself, out loud inside my head.

“What difference does it make, D? Even if you do see the car there, what’s that going to prove? Furthermore what’s that going to change,” I asked myself. My heart pounded, the closer I got, almost like I could hear it in my ears. I turned my radio down, as if that made a difference on whether or not  he could see me if he happened to be outside. A brief moment of logic almost made me change my course and just go home. But I decided against it. After all, I was there now.

I think I was actually shaking as I turned onto the street. My stomach was doing flips. And even though I seemed over him on most days, the thought of seeing that car parked there again made me sick. “Why are doing this to yourself?” I searched myself for a valid answer until I came up with this.

The reason we put ourselves through what seems to be a torment, is actually a necessary evil. I concluded that while I didn’t want to see that, maybe the reality of it would bring my heart to the realization that our relationship was over. See apparently, my heart & my head were still in disagreement. I feel like maybe it was my head that led me there, in hopes of proving to my heart the evidence of what the mind already knew. I know it sounds crazy, but when women continue to stay with a man who has broken her heart, it’s not because she’s stupid or oblivious to the facts of what he’s done. In her head, she knows what it looks like, but that doesn’t negate what she feels.

A Word on Mental Health

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There are days when I look in the mirror & don’t like the woman I see. There are some days when I don’t even recognize myself.

Two days before my 35th birthday, I had an emotional crisis that was serious enough, for the first time in my life, to make an appointment with a doctor because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn’t. I remember calling my friend, Hope, into the bathroom stall at work and literally crying, hysterically, on her shoulder & I couldn’t even tell you why. I went home and in dramatic fashion, laid on the bathroom floor, weeping.

Depression is real.

I’ve had friends ask me, “But DeJa, why are you sad?” Depression is so much deeper than sadness. For me, it’s an unexplainable sense of hopelessness. “But DeJa, what triggers it?” I don’t know. But I do know depression is real.

I know what you’re probably thinking, I don’t “look” depressed. I’ve struggled to come to terms with this myself. After all, nobody wants to be depressed. “You know what, I’m just having a bad day,” I told myself. But how many days go by before it’s more than just a bad day? For the longest time, I refused to keep the appointment because I didn’t want the confirmation of knowing that something was wrong with me or the stigma that came along with it. But the alternative was to suffer in silence.

My personal journey has led me to the place where I am now, an advocate for raising awareness & destigmatizing this disease. I’m currently pursuing my Master’s degree at UA Little Rock so I can educate communities on what mental illness looks like and the resources that are available.

If you are feeling depressed or suicidal, you can text 741741 a crisis worker will text you back immediately and will continue to text with you. Many people don’t like talking over the phone and would feel more comfortable texting. 
This is a free service for anyone. 

#youAREloved #youAREenough #youareNOTalone 💚✌🏼😘

If you would like to join me in raising awareness for mental illness, please share this information.

I F**king Hate Him

downloadI saw him again, today. So much for wishful thinking…

Now I know it was just yesterday that I posted about tossing my coin into the sea in hopes of never seeing him again, yet, low & behold, I’m minding my own business, stepped outside for some fresh air when “Boom”. I won’t even bother with details this time because I’m just so over it. At first, it was kinda cute, almost endearing, even. Now, it’s just annoying as fuck.
Immediately, when I saw his face (& even as I writing this post), one side of my lip curled up, I quickly halted and once again, made an about face. I walked in a mist of rain to avoid getting any closer to him. I’m so freaking over this.
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As I was walking back, I had a real nasty feeling. In the midst of playing that brief moment back, I felt my mind say, “I fucking hate him“. I had to catch myself real quick because #1 that’s not even me and #2 that’s a bit much, even for me. Aside from being morally wrong, hating him isn’t going to make me feel better.
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It’s no secret that I, like many people, use anger as a defense mechanism. It’s like I’d rather be mad at you than sad over you, if that makes sense. I feel like, if I’m angry, then I can control that & maybe even make you feel a way, but if I’m sad, then that means that I still care too much. I’ve come to realize that when people say they hate someone, what they really mean is they hate what that person did to them, how they made them feel. And typically, it involves a sense of betrayal by the person that they love (not hate). Saying, “I hate you” comes from a lack of words that express what we really feel, which is hurt. When someone says, “I hate you,” what they’re trying to say is, “You hurt me.” The truth is, they probably actually still love you more than they have the words (or courage) to say. The brighter side is that you can heal from hurt, but hate only deepens the pain.

-TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw

 

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