We’re taught to believe that the “spark” is everything. That if your heart doesn’t skip a beat or your stomach doesn’t flip when he texts back, it must not be real. That passion is wild, exhilarating, overwhelming—and anything less than that must be settling.

But lately, I’ve been wondering something:

What if the spark we’ve been chasing isn’t actually love?

What if it’s anxiety dressed up as attraction?

When Desire Feels Like Déjà Vu

So….I’ve been getting to know two men. One gives me butterflies. The kind that makes me check my phone with excitement, overanalyze things at times, and kinda feel like I have to earn his attention. He’s charming, interesting, honest, & very straightforward. And if I’m honest with myself, something about him feels familiar—almost like a reboot of relationships I’ve already tried to heal from.

Then there’s the other man. He doesn’t give me butterflies— but he gives me peace.

He’s thoughtful. Gentle. Consistent. He literally asks how he can make my day better. He takes initiative with plans. He listens without ego. And I realize… it’s been a long time since I’ve been treated well in this way. It’s been a while since I’ve been pursued with softness and intentionality. It’s almost uncomfortable in its unfamiliarity.

But the more I pay attention, the more I see the difference between being chosen and being cherished.

And that’s what has me rethinking everything I thought I wanted in love.

The Chemistry Trap: Why Chaos Feels Like Connection

Chasing chemistry can become a stand-in for chasing validation

We’re often drawn to the person who feels a little unavailable or hard to read—not because it’s healthy, but because it activates a part of us that wants to prove our worth. That “spark” can feel intoxicating, but sometimes it’s really anxiety dressed up as attraction.

For many of us, desire has been shaped by dysfunction. We often mistake emotional inconsistency for excitement. We confuse adrenaline for intimacy. But that high we feel when someone who’s hot and cold finally gives us attention? That’s not love—that’s intermittent reinforcement.

It’s a psychological phenomenon where rewards (like affection or validation) are given inconsistently. The brain gets hooked because it never knows when the next “hit” is coming, so it craves more. It’s the same mechanism used in slot machines. That hit of dopamine when they do respond reinforces the idea that it means more—when in reality, it just feels good because it was unpredictable.

So instead of “This person makes me feel safe, seen, and steady,” it becomes “This person finally paid attention to me—I must be valuable now.”

Which is really just your nervous system chasing a familiar survival pattern, not actual connection.

So when that person who keeps us guessing finally chooses us for a weekend or a moment or a night, it doesn’t mean they’re the right one—it just means our nervous system has been trained to associate unpredictability with passion.

No wonder peace feels so boring by comparison.

But What If Peace Is the Spark?

We talk a lot about being attracted to “bad boys” or emotionally unavailable men. But rarely do we ask ourselves why we’re drawn to that dynamic. And even more rarely do we give ourselves permission to unlearn it.

Because here’s the truth:
You can rewire what you find attractive.

Thanks to neuroplasticity, our brains are capable of learning new patterns and unlearning old ones. That means:

• You can go from craving chaos to craving consistency.
• You can teach yourself to stop mistaking stress for chemistry.
• You can let emotional safety turn you on—instead of off.

It doesn’t happen overnight. It takes somatic awareness—tuning into how your body feels when you’re around someone. Does your chest tighten? Do you feel like you’re performing? Or do you feel calm, seen, and like you can finally exhale?

It also takes a willingness to sit with what feels unfamiliar. Because if you’ve only ever known love as something you have to chase, being loved without struggle might not feel real—at first.

But over time, your nervous system will adapt. The safety will start to feel sexy. The calm will feel electric. And the soft, steady love you once overlooked will begin to feel like home.

Choosing Peace Over Performance

If I’m honest, part of me still feels pulled toward the man who reminds me of my past. There’s something intoxicating about trying to win the affection of someone who isn’t fully available—it feels like closure for all the times I wasn’t chosen before.

But I’m learning that I don’t need to be validated.
I need to be valued. Balanced. Cherished. And reciprocated.

Affirmations: I release the desire for anything & anyone that doesn’t desire me. ✨

I choose myself, and the love that chooses me back.✨

The love I deserve won’t confuse me. It will calm me, claim me, and care for me.✨

And right now, I’m choosing to be open to the kind of love that feels new—not because it’s perfect, but because it’s safe. Because it’s tender. Because it doesn’t require me to prove that I’m worthy.

If you’ve ever found yourself torn between who you want and what you deserve, I see you.

Ask yourself:

“Am I chasing the person who excites me? Or the one who sees me?”

“Am I drawn to this person because they feel like home… or because they feel famiiar?”

“Do I like how I feel around them—or am I addicted to convincing them to like me?”

“Is this connection peaceful, or am I performing for crumbs of closeness?”

You don’t have to settle for butterflies that sting.
You’re allowed to choose the love that makes you feel safe, soft, and sure.

Because sometimes, the spark you’re waiting for…
is the one that says: you can finally rest here.

✨ If this post spoke to you, send it to a friend who needs the reminder that real love doesn’t feel like a rollercoaster.

💌 And if you want more real talk on love, growth, and glow-ups—subscribe here and never miss a post from The Real Black Carrie Bradshaw.