The Problem with On-Again Off-Again Relationships

Break up to make up, that’s all we do. First you love me then you hate me that’s a game for fools – The Stylistics

It shouldn’t be that way, but sometimes, love does seem like a game. And it’s even worse when you’re the one getting played. 

You know how it goes, you meet a guy, you hit it off, things go good for a while, then they don’t. Whether you were in a serious relationship (or a committed relationship, at all), you’ve invested your time into the person and for whatever reason, things come undone. A few weeks go by the, Mr. Wonderful, seemingly has a change of heart and wants to give it another go. Things get shaky again, he falls off the grid, only to resurface again in another few weeks. You’ve convinced yourself, “There must be something between us because he keeps coming back, right?” WRONG

Meanwhile, what started as great potential has turned into a shit show that you’re constantly trying to save face in front of your family and friends after having ragged on the asshole for what he did to you in the first place (lying, cheating, broken promises, disappearing). And that’s just one reason why on-again off-again relationships are no bueno

  1. It’s not the connection. It’s the convenience. While it’s easier to believe that you two have such an amazing connection as the reason why a fair-weather partner circles back, the truth could be that it’s simply easy to “slide through” with no accountability for what they’re doing all the times they’re not with you.
  2. Things get swept under the rug. Typically when couples get in a pattern of on-again off-again relations, it’s because they’ve failed to to address the real issue. Whether it’s defining what the relationship is, an issue of commitment, faithfulness, taking it to the next level or whatever it is…what normally happens is that when couples fall into this pattern, one person wants the other person more, so when they drop off & then decide to come back, the other person is so happy (& relieved) to have them back in their life, they don’t want to risk losing the person so they choose not to disclose how they really feel for fear of scaring them off. Author’s note: If you are dealing with someone that you can’t be honest with about your feelings and expectations, then you’re probably with the wrong person.
  3. Your family & friends may not be so forgiving. My baby sister explained it best to me when she said, “You love him so you’re loyal to him. I love you so that’s where my loyalty lies.” I know, we are all grown and grown folks don’t have to explain their relationship to nobody, but when you have told me about dude & another woman, then you back with his triflin ass 3 weeks later, oh yeah, you gotta explain that shit. Besides that, your mama-sister-cousins have had to hear about all the shit he’s done and how you’ve already caught him doing wrong so in our eyes, he’s already an asshole & it ain’t no coming back from that. But to you, the woman that he’s giving the good strokes to, your level of tolerance will be exponentially higher than your family & friends. Author’s note: Please understand this has nothing to do with jealousy or not being happy for you. This is seriously only because we give a fuck about you. Think of the last time you were actually in a good relationship, was anybody “hating” then? 
  4. Certainty vs. Uncertainty. Women, particularly, don’t want to have regrets when it comes to love. For this reason, we’ll stay. Sometimes waaaaaaay longer than we should. But we do it with the hope of giving it everything we’ve got, to be able to stay that we gave our all & it still didn’t work. We have to know that we tried and we tried hard. And then once we’re invested…that’s a whole other blog, but we want to see a return on our investments. But due to the very nature of these relationships, it’s a risk either way because there are several options. Of course, the two of you could break up only to discover that you are meant to be together and live happily ever after. You could also go years repeating this cycle: break up, make up, break up, make up, with some notable  make up sex sessions, I’m sure. Finally, you could, as most research reveals, break up, make up, then break up for good once you ultimately realize there’s “Ya’ll broke up for a reason.” 
  5. Instability. If I were to poll 100 women, I’d be willing to bet that stability would rank high on the list of what women want. On-again off-again relationships are the exact opposite of stability. And when your foundation is rocky, then so will be your relationship. Most people I know who are married (or in healthy relationships) didn’t start out going back and forth, trying to figure out “what are we doing” and “are we or aren’t we”. No. In fact, in the 2 healthy relationships that I’ve had, they didn’t start out that way. But best believe anytime I was about to waste my time on some bullshit for a year or more, it started out just. like. this. Dysfuckingfunctional.

The moral of the story is this: Just because you are in an on-again off-again romance doesn’t mean it won’t lead to your happily ever after. But it does mean that in order for it to work, like any good relationship, you and your partner will need to communicate the issues of why things can’t seem to stay on course. 

How COVID-19 Has Impacted My Life

I knew around the end of December 2019, that the year 2020 had something in store for me.


I’ve never been that person who professed “2015 is going to be my year”. Not in 2016, 17 or 18, but for some reason, God began showing me not just visions, but plans…actions that I needed to take to make those visions a reality. And I was thrilled, of course. That is, until I had to actually do the work.


From the end of December until around March of this year, I was crushing goals, knocking them out the park. The first of this year, BOOM – I hit 10K followers on my Facebook page. In February, I launched my first online course for bloggers (pre-COVID, mind you. God had already revealed to me that virtual business would be a huge source of income for me.) In March, I self-published my very first book, Ghosts of Love Lives Past & made way more money than I imagined in the first 2 months of sales. Then Covid-19 hit. And while that could have derailed my plans for growing my business, it pushed me to think outside the box, to get more creative and it gave me time to reassess my goals. Meanwhile, I sucessfully defended my thesis and earned my Master’s degree in May, started working simultaneously on two new books, a product line & an all-new online course for people struggling to get past a breakup they’ve endured (#ComingSoon). And even though my graduation trip to Paris has been pushed back until 2021, I’ve had enough going on right here at home to keep me busy. So much so that I can literally see myself quitting my day job to pursue my blogging business FULL-TIME in the near future.


If I’m completely honest, COVID-19 has been a blessing to me & my family. None of us have been negatively impacted by sickness, job loss or setbacks. If anything, between the stimulus check and unexpected financial blessings from my blogging business, COVID has been a bit of a come up for me & mine and I’m excited to continue on this path.

Let me know your thoughts. How has COVID-19 postively affected you?

𝕃𝕠𝕧𝕖 𝕒𝕟𝕕 lies.


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I know many of you feel like since I’m the poster girl for weddings that I must have every detail of my wedding day already planned. L I E S.
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If I’m honest, I’m not sure if I really see a wedding in my future (or marriage, for that matter). I like the idea of marriage, but the older I get, the more unsure of it I become. Some people say it’s because I haven’t met the “𝒓𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕” one yet. And I would like to believe that.
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I would like to believe that a love does exist that will sound like every cliche I’ve ever heard. You know, 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒊𝒕 𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖’𝒍𝒍 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 or you need someone to 𝒔𝒘𝒆𝒆𝒑 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒐𝒇𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒕…
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And I do believe in that kind of love, but sometimes, I wonder if exists for “me”. It’s almost easier for me to believe it for you guys rather than for myself. Or maybe the reason I created my hashtag #𝐈𝐆𝐨𝐭𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 is because, subconsciously, I really hope it’s manifesting in another realm and just waiting for the right time before it reaches me.
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I have to admit, my last relationship fucked me up pretty badly. And while I’m far better than I was, I’m still not completely healed from that pain. I think sometimes (okay, a lot of the time) I push people away. In my defense, I believe it to be for their own good. A part of me feels like it’s not fair to get involved with anyone when I know I still have work to do. But the other part of me feels like I use my past as a crutch to keep people at bay. And what I really want is a man who is strong enough, who will fight hard enough to show me that it’s safe to love again.
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What I want is a love that says, “𝑰 𝒅𝒐𝒏’𝒕 𝒄𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒆𝒅 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒑𝒂𝒔𝒕. 𝑨𝒍𝒍 𝑰 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒊𝒔 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒇𝒖𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒆. 𝑩𝒆𝒄𝒂𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝑰 𝒃𝒆𝒍𝒊𝒆𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒉 𝒊𝒕. 𝑨𝒏𝒅 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒈𝒊𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒅𝒆𝒔𝒆𝒓𝒗𝒆.” What I really want is a friendship so strong that it catches me off guard when I realize I’ve fallen in love.
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Like I said in my book, #𝑮𝒉𝒐𝒔𝒕𝒔𝑶𝒇𝑳𝒐𝒗𝒆𝑳𝒊𝒗𝒆𝒔𝑷𝒂𝒔𝒕, love is scary because it’s a journey into the unknown. Love is having to reveal your true self…to yourself and another human being. IDK about you, but that is scary asF to me. I’m a controlling, analytical, selfish workaholic, which almost seems like a consequence of me being successful. On top of that I’m educated, independent and about my business and don’t really need a nigga for shit (excuse my language), which is also crazy because for the men I do date, that means I really fucking WANT you or see some potential if I’m even investing time into seeing you, calling/texting you.
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But getting back to the point, opening your true self up to someone runs the risk of believing someone really likes you until they get to see the REAL you (you know, all the ugly things) that we don’t want people to see. I know no one’s perfect, but sometimes I fear that I may come with too much baggage for someone to hold. Which is why I’m working on myself, so no one has to carry my crap. Including me.
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I know that it’s going to take some work (& some time) but I really do hope I can get this shit figured out before I get too comfortable being alone, which there’s absolutely nothing wrong with…but for ME, that’s not what I want. Ultimately, (not right now, but) I want companionship. I want a partner to go through life with. To travel the world with. To call if I’m stuck on the side of road…I mean yes, there’s AAA, but…you know what I mean.I want a person in my corner when I lose my dog (or worse). I want an actual shoulder to cry on.
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They say love is a marathon, not a sprint. With that, the marathon continues…
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The Real Black Carrie Bradshaw 💋

Say a little prayer for me

Lord knows I hate to complain when everything I’ve prayed & worked for is manifesting in my life. While I’m blessed to still be working and expanding my role as a writer, I’ve also struggled to find balance. With opportunities from getting published in a communication textbook to being asked to represent product brands, to speaking events & more, I feel like my body needs rest but I’m also under pressure to meet my deadlines & get all of this shit done. Because I feel like I’m getting a late start…(I’m a woman of a certain age, lol) I feel pressure to take advantage of every opportunity that comes my way, if it aligns with my values & beliefs.🤞

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But I cannot tell a lie, a MF is tied y’all. I’m tiiiiiiiieeeeeeeed. 😩😵😴

Woo-saaaaah

I JUST HAD TO GET THIS OUT 🙏
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The best thing I have done this year is learn let go. Think about it. Like it scientifically, makes sense. It realistically makes sense, like…when you let go of dead weight. When you drop that dead thing in your hand (in your life), it frees you…it physically CREATES the space for you to receive something new. Some of ya’ll will grab a hold of that in a minute.
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The past couple of weeks have been the best weeks of my life, mental health wise. Despite how I could have reacted, I have been very present & aware of myself & my surroundings and I’ve been active & intentional in how I’ve wanted to handle these things.
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The guided meditations I have been using have been instrumental (I’m writing a feature on that next week where I’ll share links to those). I feel like it’s helping me to finally clear the space of my heartache to make room for something new…something more. And it may not necessarily be a new person, but this week, I’ve blessed with new opportunities at my job that I’ve been wanting to explore, I was offered an opportunity as a panelist for the NCA in Indianapolis & finishing up my thesis to get my Masters degree next month. Not to mention that I’ve actually been generating money from multiple sources.
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For those of you who know my story or read my book, #GhostsofLoveLivesPast, then you know that my last breakup was…kinda tough for me. Partly because it wasn’t like, just a breakup, it a series of breakups & disappointments, of on-again/off-again…toxicity that was just… really unhealthy. I cannot tell you the response that I’ve gotten from my book from women, mostly those who have dated The Entertainer (not the one from my story, although summa yall prlly have, too….lol, but…) I mean they’ve had that type of relationship. What woman hasn’t? We’ve all had “that one”.
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That’s why it was so important for me to tell my story & to share my story because I knew…I knew when I was writing this book that my story was more than just MY story. It was your story & her story & his story & their story. And during this time in our nation..in the world, where we are….we are confined & restricted from physical contact, telling our stories is a way for us to connect. As a writer, that’s always been my way of connecting.
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But I felt like I needed to take some time to tune everything out, that’s why I was MIA for about a week on here earlier this month. I just needed some time to reset & to quiet my mind. That was when I began meditating. And I feel like I was able to hear God. Sometimes, that’s what you’ve gotta do in order to hear Him. And He began to show me His vision clearer than I’ve ever seen it before.
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Every year, I secretly make the same new year’s resolution. Every year since I was in my twenties, my goal was & is to fall in love. And this week, I fell so in love with life. And I think I actually fell a little bit deeper in love with myself. I’m not perfect, by far, but… if you can take a minute to….honor yourself, you will recognize that you may not be…all those bad things you tend to think of yourself. As women, we have a tendency to criticize ourselves like “Oh, I’m a bad mother. I yelled at my kids today — prbbly bc ur stressed from being quarantined or you were too tired to cook bc ur working from home, tending to ur kids, dogs & now adjusting to being a stay at home mom/teacher (which ain’t all it’s cracked up to be, as we were led to believe as little girls – not to say that there aren’t advantages & perks, but…I’m just saying. My bff, Chelsie called me like, girl this right here has showed me that I’m not about that stay at home life, lol).
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I said all of that to say… with everything going on in the world, take a moment to be present. Give yourself credit for how far you’ve come & if you have a dream, make a goal to do ONE thing that gets you closer to it. If you do it now, you’ll thank yourself later.
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The Real Black Carrie Bradshaw 💋

Created to Create

Consider this.

If were created in the image of The Great Creator then this must also mean that we were given a creative ability such as He. Many people refer to this as talent, but I believe it’s more similar to passion. I’ve found to be true in my personal life that a great source of depression for me exists when I’m not operating in my creative abilities. What about you? 

What are you passionate about? What is the thing that you always seem to gravitate to? What comes natural to you? Maybe you’re a great cook or really good with numbers. Maybe you do hair or just have a knack for making people feel good. Whatever it is, and it can be as simple or as complex as you can imagine, I believe we all have gifts. And operating in those gifts is the “purpose”. 

Many of us may never end up on a grand stage for our abilities, but to live a life according to your true purpose should be the reward. 

Your talent is God’s gift to you. What you do with it is your gift back to God.

-Leo Buscaglia

Rest in Love

This is why I post about Love all the time, because it is a Gift. You never know how long you have with the ones you love so its important to treasure every moment because it could be your last. My prayers are with his wife & surviving daughters, as well as the families of the others onboard (player, parent & pilot).

Death has a way of putting Life in perspective. Death doesn’t care who you are. Death doesn’t care how old (or young) you are. Death doesn’t care how much money you have, your status or your stats.

Growing Up Dark-Skinned

I’ll take “You’re as beautiful on the INSIDE as you are on the outside” any day over “You’re so pretty”.
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Being pretty is nice, but for me, the greatest compliments come from people who speak to my character. My mama always taught me that it’s what’s INSIDE that matters anyway.
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Growing up, compared to my sisters, I was considered “dark-skinned” & I think I had somewhat of a complex about it. Not in the beginning, because I didn’t notice this from within my family, but it was from outsiders, strangers, that I noticed a difference. I’ll never forget one day being at a store called Holidays in Jefferson Square (in my hometown) just me & my sisters, I had to have been around…14 & my older sister introduced us to a friend of hers. “That’s your baby sister, I can tell, ya’ll are twins. She’s so pretty”. I don’t even think she looked at me. It was like I was invisible.
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For years, I tried overcompensating my abilities & my character because I knew that if I was a good person then people would have something nice to say about me. Or, I thought so, anyways.
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My mother says this phrase to me often, “DeJ, you’re as beautiful on the INSIDE as you are on the outside.” And I love that because she knows me better than anyone. But sometimes I feel like she kinda has to say that because she’s my mom, lol, right? So when someone else says it, a perfect stranger, it makes it that much more special. And that’s the ultimate compliment.