Motherhood, Miscarriage & Me

Any other day, I’m 100% Carrie Bradshaw but on this day, I channeled my inner Charlotte York.

In Season 6 of HBO’s hit series Sex And The City, Charlotte was elated to find out that she was pregnant, then almost immediately, she was grieving the loss as she suffered a miscarriage. In one scene, after being in bed for several days, Charlotte musters up the strength to put on a fabulous outfit and transform into the starlet that she is.

**

By the time I was 30-something, I had decided that I didn’t want kids. Although I spent most of my twenties in search of my happily ever after, marriage and the idea of becoming a mom didn’t seem to be in the stars for me, so I resigned to the idea of just being “the cool Auntie”. On September 8, 2019, I found out that I was 2 months pregnant.

**

While I can’t say that I was thrilled initially, after some serious thought & conversation with the man who impregnated me, I fully embraced the idea & was overjoyed about becoming a mother. I found out on the first visit for my prenatal exam that my pregnancy was “anembryonic” due to a blighted ovum & that I would ultimately miscarry.

**

It’s fruitless to try and put into words the devastation I felt. I’ve tried, but with every attempt to describe the pain, words don’t suffice. In the midst of this news, I called the man I loved from the doctor’s office, in tears, but he was no where to be found. He has continued to be M.I.A, including up until the very moment, that I laid grieving not only the loss of my relationship with him, but also the loss of the daughter I never had.

This wasn’t fair. I felt so alone. And if this weren’t bad enough, the man I loved was seizing the day, living his life at the exact same moment that a part of me was dying.

**

This morning, I woke up early. I laid out my outfit the night before, down to the shoes. I decided what perfume I would wear, Coach Floral. I wanted nothing more, today, than to feel like a woman. As I walked into my office, sun shining on my bronzed skin, I felt beautiful from the inside, out.

**

I know I’m not the first woman to go through this experience, but if I’m honest, I never could’ve imagined it would have happened to me in a million years. Last week, I cried like I’ve never cried before. I shed tears I didn’t even know I had. For a brief moment, I felt like the entire world around me had actually stopped.

**

While at first this seemed like the end of a chapter for me, I now see it as a new beginning. The pain I’ve felt (& feel) and the grief that I’ve endured (still enduring) in such a short time has impacted every area of my life & I know the pain won’t just go away. But I’m hopeful that it will get better. My prayer is that from this loss, God will birth something more magnificient than I could have even dreamed. Here’s to new beginnings…

-TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw

6 thoughts on “Motherhood, Miscarriage & Me

Leave a Reply to TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s