The Big Decision

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For a long time, I thought about reconciling with Aiden. And so, I began thinking what the terms of a reconciliation would look like. Since the demise of our relationship came in large part due to trust (or the lack thereof) & infidelity, on both parts, I had assumed that to be fair and to truly have a real chance at this, then we would both have to let go of our pasts. Completely. And I don’t mean just the memories and the hurt, but I literally meant, the relationships- mine and Aiden’s with our external sources that got us to the place where we are today.

A long time ago, Big and I actually had this very conversation, although it was not in direct relation to each other. He told me that he doesn’t believe that once you get married that you should have to de-friend your exes. I had a problem when he said it then and to an extent, I still do. Although now that it seems to apply to me and him, I’m starting to see what he meant. Kinda…

Big’s position on the subject was that he would assure his wife to the point that she wouldn’t even worry about anyone else, although I found that personally hard to swallow based on the fact that he has never assured me of anything. To be fair to him, however, we were never in a committed relationship so perhaps that’s the reason the rule never applied to me.

Aiden and I had the same conversation, too, at the beginning of our relationship. And we both had similar views on the matter. We both agreed that an emotional cheat carried the same implications as a physical one. Aiden understood, as do I, that before a woman ever cheats physically, she cheats emotionally. Although, I will say that having gone through this ordeal, I can understand why men say that they “shoulda cheated” if they’re going to get charged with the crime anyway, lol. Because I feel like, if I didn’t actually do the do, then that should count for something. #BrowniePoints? Likewise, I understand why some people, men specifically, feel like if it’s “just sex”, then it’s not really a cheat. I completely understand the difference between amazing passion with someone versus an amazing connection. After more than a decade of involvement with this man, I’ve concluded with almost certainty that Mr. Big and I will never be. But does that mean that we can’t be friends?

Ordinarily, my answer to this question is an absolute no. Furthermore, why would you want to be, is what I follow up with. I remember explaining my position on this very topic to Mr. Big one day. Since I’ve known him, he has always kept in contact with his exes. And that always bothered me. He explained that if he and I were together, then he’d make sure that he assured me enough in our relationship that there wouldn’t be room for insecurity. He said that he never understood why people found it hard to be friends after a relationship was over. Ummm, if I may interject, I’m assuming it’s because typically breakups occur on the basis of disappointment which usually leaves one person more vulnerable than the other. Somebody always wants the other person back. Hell, I’ve never even officially had him to claim and some days I still want him back.

While I’m not totally opposed to the idea of letting him go, if I have to do it, then I want to do it in my own way and in my own time. I want Aiden to be assured that I only want him. At the same time, I don’t won’t Big to feel like he’s disposable. But after 10 years on and off and never taking the step to be in a relationship, now, the prospect of that happening at this point continues to fade with each passing day. And quite honestly, I believe that it’s mutual. I think the ship for us being romantically involved has sailed. I think that neither one of us see a spouse, a marriage or a future in each other. So yet the question remains, although with this new revelation in mind, it remains with a slightly adjusted tone- can we still be friends?

I always told myself that in order for me to truly give myself an honest chance at love, in a new  relationship, that I would have to cut all ties with Big. And every time I think about doing that, it makes me sad, to the point of tears, when I truly think about it. Big and I have spells where we’ll go without speaking, but it always seemed that somehow, we found our way back to each other. And maybe I’ve always read more into it than it actually was, but I secretly hoped that each of those times would be our time. I always thought that him coming back was his way of telling me that he loved me, without saying it. In reality, he may have simply valued our friendship. And in all honesty, so do I.

With that being said, I have to make a decision. But the question is how? How do I justify one to the other? You know, without making one person feel a way. Moreover, how do I find resolve between the two men that I love without breaking my own heart?



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