I know a lot of women who “deal with” men but are not in committed relationships. In fact, I’ve been that woman, many times. It may serve women who desire a commitment from a man to understand that the degree of the relationship won’t change simply because he gives you a title, anymore than it would if you were to have his baby. If he’s not ready to commit to you, then it won’t profit you to try & convince him of why you deserve a commitment.
Often times, I feel like we want the title of “girlfriend” because we believe it gives us leverage when shit goes left to be able to say, “But I’m supposed to be your girlfriend!” Please understand that the relationship you have now is the same relationship you’ll have once he does decide to commit, propose or even get married. If he treats you like shit now, that won’t magically change because he’s given you a title (or a ring). And in some cases, men can use this as a tool against you to convince you why you should stay & work it out.
It is my belief that when a person tells you they don’t want a commitment, what they really mean is they don’t want a commitment with you. And I’m speaking from personal experience. I know that’s something you’re not supposed to say & while I’ve never said it out loud, I’ve sure as hell given this as a reason for why I negated committing to a relationship.
The truth is, there’s never going to be a time in your life when a person you’ve always wanted comes along, the two of you have fun (& great sex) and bring out the best in each other, when you’ll decide, “Maybe I should pump the brakes on this.”
What’s behind a fear of commitment is a desire, maybe even a hope, that something better will come along. But nobody wants to say that to the person they’re dealing with.
What I know for sure is that when I’ve experienced this (from both ends), I’ve felt a disconnect. It’s like, I really liked the person but there was just something that was missing. I felt this in my last serious relationship when I ended things with a man who was everything I prayed for but he still wasn’t what I wanted. I also felt this in my last non-serious relationship when I got ghosted by a man that I was in a relationship with. As much as I enjoyed spending time with him, there were periods before he disappeared when I could feel a disconnect, and it was almost as if I was waiting for the ball to drop.
People who avoid commitment either (A) truly want to be alone or (B) are afraid to let someone get too close to them because they have insecurities. As a self-proclaimed commitment-phobe, I prefer to believe it’s the latter of the two, but this still solidifies my position that even someone who has insecurity issues would embrace the idea of someone who would love them despite their flaws.
When it comes to relationships, having a title is nice, but having a commitment is better. Once you realize your partner can’t give that to you, its up to you to decide how to proceed. If they’ve made their intentions clear, through their actions, then its not fair for you to hold it against them for failing to meet your expectations, if you decide to stay. Nor is it fair to you.
What are your thoughts? How do you feel about commitment? Have you ever dealt with someone who gave you less than what you wanted? How long did you stay? Any commitment-phobics, like me? Leave your comment below.
–TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw
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