Fear of Success

5.16.19

Have you ever considered that you might be afraid of success?

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Sounds crazy, huh? But I think this is exactly what I’m experiencing. In fact it’s what many of us fear. I once read an article that associated the fear of success to the arousal experienced during sexual trauma. I didn’t agree with that argument for more reasons than one although, the article gave a second reason as a precondition of “getting your hopes up” only to be disappointed. While I could see the logic in that, it still didn’t exactly resonate for what I was experiencing.

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For months, I’ve sat on my manuscript for my book, Ghosts of Love Lives Past. This is an idea that has been prophesied to me by several people. And as good as I know it is, I have yet to actually submit it to be printed. It’s an incredible read, I promise you & I’m not just saying that because I wrote it. I’m saying that because it’s SO GOOD, in fact, sometimes I can’t believe I wrote it. Effortlessly. In a matter of weeks, in fact. I literally sat down to write a blog post, such as this & it turned into a freaking book.

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As crazy as it sounds, it almost makes sense to me NOT to publish the book & keep pushing back the release date because it gives me something to look forward to, versus, if I release it…then what? Ride the wave for a bit then crash?

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I kinda feel like, having this book “in the works’ gives me something to look forward to. I mean, I know I could (& will) write another book once I’ve released this one, but I won’t ever be able to write or publish my very first book again. Does that even make sense?

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Behdad Sami once said, “A lot of people are afraid to succeed and don’t want to fail, but if you don’t attempt, aren’t you already failing in the same spot?” With that said, your desire for success must be greater than your fear of failure. After all, it would be a shame to be in this same spot this time next year saying the same damn thing. I’ve told my sister several times that I’ve had sort of a premonition that once I “make it” I’m going to realize that success was there (in that moment) all along.

Yet, the question still haunts me, “what are you afraid of?”

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-TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw

Note to Self

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Dear Self,
Before you start to doubt yourself, thinking “If only I looked like…” remember who tf you are. Show me the baddest b**** on tha Gram & I’ll show u a b**** thats had her 💔 too. Social media will have you thinking that THIS will make him stay when in reality this chick has been cheated on, too. It’s not what you look like that determines whether or not you’ll get cheated on–its the man you’re dealing with who decides that.
You were created by the Most High. You are beautiful. You are enough. And anytime giving your ALL isn’t enough then you’re giving it to the wrong person.

-TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw

I’d Rather Go Blind

Written by Ellington Jordan, Billy Foster

Performed by Etta James

Something told me that it was over, yeah
When I saw you and her talking

Something deep down in my soul said
“Cry, girl” cry, cry
When I saw you and her walking around

And I’d rather
I’d rather go blind boy
Than to see you walk away from me, chile no

So you see, I love you so much
That I don’t wanna watch you leave me, baby
Most of all I just don’t, I just don’t wanna be free, naw

I was just…I was just… I was just sitting here thinking
Of your kiss and your warm embrace, yea

When the reflection in the glass that I held to my lips now, baby,
Revealed the tears that was on my face, yeah

And Baby, baby, I’d rather, I’d rather be blind boy

Than to see you walk away, see you walk away from me

Sunday Service

 

cross_clouds.jpgI’m so glad I went to church today. Hell, I’m so glad I went anywhere at all today. Because yesterday I didn’t even leave the house. I intended to. Put on clothes, did my hair and everything. I even put on a swimsuit and opened the front door to go out there, then I changed my mind. As badly as I wanted to feel both the sun and the water on my skin at the same time, I wasn’t ready to be in the world. It’s a process for me. And some days, I just need to sit and deal with my feelings. And I feel like I did that yesterday. Continue reading “Sunday Service”

I Broke His Heart, For No Good Reason

TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw.com

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So here I am thinking that Aiden and I are back together. I mean like, not officially, but definitely on the verge, especially since I’ve gone to see him a couple times and we’ve been talking more and I’ve retreated back to calling him “baby” vs. Aiden and the fact that we say I love you at the end of our conversations. I mean, right?

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