Image credit: turquoisemoon.co.uk

Out of the clear, blue sky, Aiden asked me the other day if I believed we had a love/hate relationship. To be honest, I’d never really pondered that idea for my relationship with Aiden before. And quite frankly, I don’t recall that I’ve ever had feelings of hate towards him. I’ve felt disappointment, frustration and hurt, but never hate. Even in the saddest moments of our relationship, even when I wasn’t in love with him anymore, I can honestly say that I’ve only felt love.

Big, on the other hand, was a different story. Big and I constantly dangled between being in love and in hate. And when we weren’t, we were suspended somewhere in limbo (or purgatory), between the two.

Truthfully, I can’t say that I ever actually hated him as a person, but I can honestly say that I felt hatred towards him. Like, there were moments when I was so agitated by the “situation” that I didn’t even want to talk to him, wouldn’t even pick up the phone. Days when I felt so exhausted by the thought of trying to be “okay” around him that I literally…..smh.

In retrospect, I wonder if what Big and I shared was really even love at all. I’m starting to believe that more than anything, we shared passion. Number one, because we are both extremely passionate individuals, so when we came together, whether good or bad, it was explosive. Our good days were really good. And our bad days were….really bad. Then on the other hand, I also have a theory that suggests that the only way 2 people could possibly be that passionate together is if they share a ridiculous amount of love. Crazy, stupid love.

I wonder if I’m the only one who confuses the two. Passion. And love.

Sometimes, I think that we’re programmed to believe that love has to come with fireworks or it isn’t the real thing. All our lives, we’ve heard people talk about the sparks and the butterflies and the chemistry. I never felt sparks with Aiden. I felt secure. An emotional security like I’d never known before. I felt like the most beautiful girl in the entire world to him.

So who really needs passion anyway, right? After all, passion fades. People who’ve been together for years and years know this to be true. What remains once the passion fades has to be something sustainable to carry through “til death do us part”. And people don’t typically fight for passion. They fight for love.

What I ended up telling Aiden was that I believe that love has cycles of love and hate, like and dislike, & good times and bad times. From the limited knowledge that I have on the subject, I know that every couple will have trying times, whether it’s due to infidelity, insecurity or whatever.

You know how people always say that relationships are work? I’m starting to believe that the work is the fight. The battle to make their commitment work. In most cases, it’s easy to give up. But that’s only recently become my philosophy with regard to relationships. Ordinarily, I’m the girl who won’t give up, not even on a dead horse. But lately, it seems that underneath the “I know what I want and I know what I don’t want” policy, my tolerance level is at an all-time low. And at the 1^st sign of……anything, I’m ready to serve you with a notice to cease and desist. But in reality, that’s just not practical. Or nice. And I like to think of myself as a nice, practical girl (in my Jay-Z voice, “If I do say so myself”). In any relationship, you’re going to have to compromise. You’re going to get on each other’s last nerve. And some days, you may even feel like you hate each other and want to give up. And on those days, you have to decide if it’s really worth the fight. Furthermore, who can you spend the rest of your life fighting for love with…an enemy or an ally?