3.17.14

So I’m off work today and I literally haven’t left my house—barely left the bed. I’m taking a few days off before I start my new position. In my new office. I’m really looking forward to it. 

I need this new start.  I think that it’ll be really good for me. 

Having the challenge of learning a new role in my job will (hopefully) be the positive distraction that I need to keep me from thinking about YouKnowWho. Not that I don’t enjoy it, but I feel like, I’ve once again come to this place of limbo in this new…relationship- where I’m not even sure if we’re working towards a relationship. And I can honestly say that since I last saw him, my thoughts have been consumed with him. And for the first couple of days, it was good, because I was still on a high from him. But now, almost a week later and having spoken to him maybe 3 times since we last saw each other—I’m getting nervous. I don’t want to make too big a deal about it, but at the same time, it’s a big deal. I think about him at every moment of every day. I go to bed with thoughts of seeing him again. And I wake up with thoughts of hearing from him. It’s crazy. I wrote him a letter explaining my feelings and frustrations—that I’m afraid to give to him. (Yeah, that never really goes well). But I also can’t seem to find the words to speak to him whenever we’re together. I’m a wreck at this point. And I’m terrified of that desperate love feeling that is overcoming me. 

I know in my heart that the love I want will come without doubt or hesitation or fear. It will come genuinely and effortlessly.  

There are even times when I’m afraid to call or text him because I’m afraid of how I’ll feel when doesn’t answer or call back. And the only thing I really want is to hear his voice.  

I love him. I do. I want to be with him so much it almost hurts. And I don’t want this….fear of loving him. I want to love him and be able to say to him and everyone that I love him freely, without restraints or contingencies.

The only thing worse than wanting someone is wanting someone who you know doesn’t want you.  I hate this feeling of desperation. So maybe, this isn’t love at all……

-TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw