If love seeks love, then I feel like, sometimes, when you think you’ve lost love, that’s really just God’s way of bringing you back on Him.
I know, speaking from personal experience, every time after a heartache, I seek God with the most diligence….in a way that I probably should seek Him anyways, but I don’t because I’m so wrapped up in the goodness of my own #CurrentSituation so I don’t make Him a priority, until I get my heart broken and feelings hurting & then I go craaaaawling back to Him. And Him….He who so graciously accepts me back, each and every time.
I had to apologize to Him today. Like 4 real. And I feel like, I’m on my way to total surrender. I desperately want to, in my spirit. It’s just my flesh, though…..
I told my best friend that I think God is literally trying to get my attention. I joke about it, but I just feel this…pull inside me. And all the wrong things that I want to do, it’s like it convicts me sooo much. Like even when I’m not as patient with someone as I feel I could have been- it really bothers me & I feel like I have to make a mends. I told her that I can’t even stand to drink any more. Like, even just a couple glasses of wine make me nauseous. And I want to take a vow of celibacy so bad. Like, literally not have sex again until it’s with my husband. I’m just not too sure how well that’ll work with my moodiness- especially if I can’t even have a drink to help take off some of the edge. No, but seriously though, I really feel like this is what I’m supposed to do. And it’s been gnawing at me for some time now.
For the last few months, I’ve struggled with my faith. I felt like, there were so many questions unanswered and things that didn’t make sense. I felt like I’d just been going through the motions. I felt like, ‘”Does God even hear me or does he just not care?” And while all of my questions haven’t been answered, at this moment, none of that matters. All I know is that today, I have this peace that I literally can’t even express with words. And for me, this is the confirmation that I needed. This is the void in my life that has been missing. And it’s not like I’ve just been out here, bad, trying to fill the void with alcohol or men or sex- that’s not the case at all. But I know that I’ve been searching for love. And I know that even if God doesn’t exist, I’d rather live my life, as if He did- with expectancy and a hope for something greater.
I feel sooooo good right now. I feel soft. Open. Willing.
I feel calm. Peaceful. I reeeally do. And I feel like, it’s okay to feel everything that I’m feeling- everything I felt. And I wasn’t stupid for that. I felt stupid, but I wasn’t.
I want this change in myself. I want to be this softer woman. I want to be more open. Willing.
I want to totally put my life in God’s hands and allow Him to use me. I do. Like, I feel like, I’ve been this…broken person for so long, even though I’ve put on a great disguise. On the inside, when I’m mean and standoffish and short-tempered, impatient, closed (off), distant, cold, sarcastic…..I don’t like being that person. I don’t like drinking. In fact, I hate the taste of alcohol and I feel like a jackass after I’ve drank too much. And I don’t want to have to depend on the power of some pill to put me in a better mood, even if it is just a probiotic (Plexus).
I’ve been meditating all day today and just listening to gospel music.
I just want to be open to goodness. I want to be less-direct because “direct” can sometimes translate abrasively. And I don’t want to be abrasive. I want people to feel comfortable talking to me. I want to listen. I want to be a friend. And I’m going to try. I really am trying, Lord. All day, to be patient. And willing.