So here, as it stands, on the eve of my self-proclaimed dating campaign, #30Datesin30Days, & I’m reconsidering this whole thing.
No really, like, what the entire fuck was I thinking, what am I trying to prove & to whom? And it’s crazy because I’ve got the proverbial devil on my left shoulder saying, “But you can’t take it back now, you already put it out there” and a devil on the other shoulder like, “Fuck that, you can do whatever the fuck you want.” In real life, I don’t want to be subjected to 30 bad dates with guys I have absolutely no interest in. On the other hand, isn’t the point of this to be open to something new?
I’m so conflicted because a part of me does want this experience, but the other part of me is still so hesitant. Like already, this process has brought out my worst insecurities. What are people gonna say? What are they gonna think? What if no one signs up? And with the questions, come along answers, once again, from my own insecurities like, Because you’re not good enough, not pretty enough. You don’t even know what you want. Not to mention, the perceived notion from others that “if she has to put herself out there like that, then something must be wrong with her.”
But a part of me really wants to do this. I just didn’t expect it to be so difficult, I guess. By all accounts, this little experiment of mine launches tomorrow. And I have yet to confirm a date with any one of the guys yet. And not because the email & the DMs haven’t been poppin. I even got an email from Cairo, Egypt asking if he could “participate”. And while he may have been looking for true love (or a green card) I’ve got to draw the line, somewhere. Boy, I tell you, this vetting process is a motherfucker. The very first guy to respond, after I did a simple Google search of his name, the first thing that popped up on him was a public record where his wife filed for divorce on February 13. #GTFOH
So again, I do still have to be selective with process, for safety reasons, obviously. At the same time, I really wanna make my 30. I just feel like, if I want this to happen, then it’s up to me. I guess when I first had this idea, I imagined making a quick little post, like the one I did on Facebook and the offers from eligible bachelors would come rolling into my inbox. Not so. While the response from my female cohorts has been received with an overwhelming show of love, I can’t exactly say the same for my male counterparts. Women are applauding me for being courageous. They see it as a movement. Men are seeing it as a movement, too. But it’s more like, “Bitch, move around with that.” And now that I’ve had time to process this whole campaign, I can see why. By nature, it takes men a lot of courage to ask a woman out on a date. They have insecurities when it comes to dating as well. So understandably, they could be put off by a woman who is openly “Seeking 30 dates in 30 days”.
I think now is a good a time as any to profess that while I do have a goal, I’d never want any man that I dated (no matter how casually) to feel like he was just helping me make a quota. However, I would also like the record to reflect that this has taken a tremendous amount of courage on my part to put myself in this position- open for criticism on every level- in the first place, and for that, I think I do want a round of applause.
For now, I see that I’ve got to remain positive and be proactive in getting this done. Tomorrow, my crusade begins. #StayTuned