I F**king Hate Him

downloadI saw him again, today. So much for wishful thinking…

Now I know it was just yesterday that I posted about tossing my coin into the sea in hopes of never seeing him again, yet, low & behold, I’m minding my own business, stepped outside for some fresh air when “Boom”. I won’t even bother with details this time because I’m just so over it. At first, it was kinda cute, almost endearing, even. Now, it’s just annoying as fuck.
Immediately, when I saw his face (& even as I writing this post), one side of my lip curled up, I quickly halted and once again, made an about face. I walked in a mist of rain to avoid getting any closer to him. I’m so freaking over this.
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As I was walking back, I had a real nasty feeling. In the midst of playing that brief moment back, I felt my mind say, “I fucking hate him“. I had to catch myself real quick because #1 that’s not even me and #2 that’s a bit much, even for me. Aside from being morally wrong, hating him isn’t going to make me feel better.
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It’s no secret that I, like many people, use anger as a defense mechanism. It’s like I’d rather be mad at you than sad over you, if that makes sense. I feel like, if I’m angry, then I can control that & maybe even make you feel a way, but if I’m sad, then that means that I still care too much. I’ve come to realize that when people say they hate someone, what they really mean is they hate what that person did to them, how they made them feel. And typically, it involves a sense of betrayal by the person that they love (not hate). Saying, “I hate you” comes from a lack of words that express what we really feel, which is hurt. When someone says, “I hate you,” what they’re trying to say is, “You hurt me.” The truth is, they probably actually still love you more than they have the words (or courage) to say. The brighter side is that you can heal from hurt, but hate only deepens the pain.

-TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw

 

 

 

 

 

Through My Eyes

i_c_u___see_through_my_eyes_by_vigar-d5u88jsIt hurts to be so physically closed to someone & not be able to reach them. Like, he’s just 2 levels up in the very building I’m sitting in right now. In the hallway to my break room, we literally cross paths. Every time I go in there, I swear, I can smell his cologne. Continue reading “Through My Eyes”

Imprompt-Who?

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After my incredible first date on March 1, I was literally exhausted, like utterly drained, physically & emotionally. Not even just from the day before, I mean even though it was a long day (& an even longer night) it was just everything leading up to that day that had me emotionally drained- even just getting prepared, mentally, to go through with this whole experience. Continue reading “Imprompt-Who?”

Good Girl vs. Bad Girl

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I can not figure out definitively if I want to be a “good girl,  & like all about the Lord, just full-on open up the doors to the church type girl” or if I want to be just a “balls to the wall, all the way out there, hard-core, dirty dog” with it, you know what I’m saying? Like, I can’t figure out which one I wanna do. It seems like I haven’t had much success with either of these two extremes. Last week I wrote a post that kinda kick-started my crusade for #30Datesin30Days & thus my journey to “the dark side” & me being a bad girl. Here, almost a week later I can declare that having walked along both sides the fence, neither one is working for me with regard to relationships. Continue reading “Good Girl vs. Bad Girl”