What Do You Want?

So cut the crap, D! WHAT DO YOU WANT? What do YOU really want? Not what do you believe? Or what you know. What do you want?

Ok, so just being honest here. I went ahead, against my first mind, & sent my “final” text message for “closure” (rolling eyes, lol) but a part of me is very relieved & satisfied. I feel like I’ve been putting way more….thought, energy & all of the above…into this & I know that if I want to feel better then I can CHOSE to feel better. And it really is that simple. Kinda.

I told God this morning that I just needed him to take the desires of this man away from me. Like, if he isn’t what God wants then take it (the desire, the love) for him away. Because I still want him. But if that’s not what God wants then I need him to take my desires away because me & God don’t want the same thing.

When I prayed on Saturday, I fearfully asked God if he was the one for me or if I needed to let him go (or something to that effect). God said the realest thing He’s ever said to me. He said, “You don’t even need me to answer that for you. He’s telling you himself.”

I decided to hide my phone from myself today. It probably would’ve been better had I left it in the car, but….I’ve decided not to even look at my phone until I go to lunch or get ready to make a call today. I feel like, because I am still hoping to hear something from him, especially after I sent that “final” text message, I at least want to know that he called. But of course if he calls, then I’ll want to answer it. So if I hide it from myself, if I don’t see it, then I can’t answer it but if I have a missed call from him then at least I can still get the closure or satisfaction that I want.

It’s really helped, too. I haven’t even got the urge to look at my phone. Part of that is because, like I said, I don’t really want a phone call from him anyway. It’s like I just told mama yesterday about how I play the lottery now. I told her that I used to play this $500 scratch off all the time because I really wanted to win it. Then I won it. So now I don’t play it anymore because I’ve decided that I don’t want to win $500. I already won it. Now I want to win $250,000. So now I only play those (or higher) because that’s what I really want. Going back to this situation, what I really want is for him to be better, more honest & 100% in with me. And I want to be with him. But I want him to be good for me. I don’t want to be with him & he’s still got issues. So that’s where the conflict arises. My sister told me that if I took him back, then I have to take him back @ all or nothing, the good with the bad. And I don’t know if I’m willing to take that risk or not. Because it is a risk either way.

My head is telling me no. But you already know what my heart is screaming.