I hear the door to the hallway open. Around the corner walks my co-worker straight towards me, “De’Ja, some guy in the hallway is asking for you.” My heart did a back tuck & my mouth, I’m sure, hit the floor, I swallowed a breath & gathered my composure so as not to alarm my colleague. As soon as he turned the wall, I grabbed my phone to check my hair. I don’t even want to take time to go to the other bathroom for fear he’ll be gone by the time I get back. I get myself together as best I can and make my way to the door but it was too late. He was gone.
That dream shook me. Stayed with me all morning. “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name, dear,” the voice on the other end of the phone says, jolting me back to reality. “It’s DeJa. Like deja vu,” I respond.
*
Okay, you’ve got to get it together, girl. I’ve gotta get some work done today. But I can’t. It’s like I get dressed up everyday to come down here to think about him. That’s like my new job.
*
I’m trying not to look for him. And at the same time, I am looking for him so that I’m not caught off guard. I’m looking for him to avoid him so he doesn’t think I’m looking for him. And all I’m really trying to do is live my life.
*
I still carry pieces of you with me every day.
It’s true. Sometimes I wear his things. At home, I’ll put on one of his shirts. It makes me feel closer to him. So close. Yet so far away.
-TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw
