I wanna cry right now. Just having a moment, I suppose.
I wanna talk to somebody but at the same time I don’t wanna tell anybody because I’m embarrassed. Embarrassed that I’m walking around like I’ve found my happily ever after meanwhile the man that I love disappears without so much as a wave goodbye. I don’t wanna tell anybody because I feel stupid for falling for the man who’d already done this exact same thing to me time & time again. I don’t want to tell anybody because I’m secretly hoping that he’ll just call me & we can get back on track & then I won’t have to explain this to anyone. And just the thought of that sounds pathetic. That I’d be willing to accept him back. I CAN BARELY EVEN FOCUS. I keep trying to not look out at the glass that reflects to the entrance of the building, knowing he’s not there anyway, but, I keep hoping.
I swear I don’t wanna love him anymore. Shit, this hurts. And now I know why people cut themselves because they hurt so bad emotionally it seems like physical pain would distract from the emotional hurt. I feel them. I’m almost at that point. I’m really not trying to sound this way. I don’t want a pity party. I don’t want anyone feeling bad for me. I feel bad enough all by myself. I feel like I wanna HATE HIM for doing this to me but I love him so much, I can’t even bring myself to try & feel that. I hate what he did, but I don’t hate him. The reality is that I’m almost willing to feel anything other than this pain. I’d rather be high. Or drunk. Or pissed off MAD. I mean, I’d rather be happy, too, but happiness seems much harder to attain than a drunken stupor.
I want to talk to my mom about it so bad. But I’m so scared that if I talk about it to anyone then I’ll break down. And I don’t want to do that either so I’m just keeping it in. IDK why ppl always say, “sometimes you need to break down” “just get it out”. For what? Right now, I think I just need to keep it to myself & keep praying about it. Getting it out to whoever will listen is just getting more people in your business. And when you tell anybody that gives the the chance to go & tell someone else, even if you are going to them in confidence, so…..I’m just gonna deal with it & hope to God that no one asks me about him.