“For all intents and purposes, I’m a certified psychopath.” – TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw
Sometimes, I think I’m destined to be alone.
As much as I believe in and truly want to be “in love”, there always comes a point in my relationship that I feel like the statute of limitations has expired and I can no longer allow you to have jurisdiction over my feelings. Not necessarily because I want to but often times because I feel like I have to, or rather it’s the only thing left to do other than fall into an endless abyss of heartache.
There was a time when I used to be so vulnerable, and I rather enjoyed that about myself. I thought that by conveying my sensitivity, it would encourage the other person to reciprocate. Instead, I learned that people really do take your kindness for weakness, (that’s not just a saying and if it is, then they say it for a reason).
I’m not sure how many women are like me. Whereas, I used to like being vulnerable, now, I’d much rather be mad than sad, almost vicious rather than vulnerable. See, if I’m mad, then I can get over you. But if I’m sad, then you still have a chance. Nowadays, it seems that I’m fresh out of fucks to give when it comes to my heart. I’ve tried second chances- still give them, in fact. It’s the twenty 2nd chances that I don’t believe in, anymore. I can forgive you all day long. What I can’t give you is yet another chance to make a fool of me.
I came up with a new term that I’ve been using lately, “I hear you with my eyes,” meaning, I hear the words you say, but I see the deeds that you do. My Daddy told me a long time ago “People can make they mouth say anything, baby”. The rare times that Pops has given me love advice has been simplistically on point and I appreciate my Daddy for putting me up on the game.
I’ve also seriously thought about the idea that I could be sabotaging my own relationships sometimes out of fear. I know it sounds silly, but it’s true. Sometimes, I fear that because I’m too moody, indecisive and uncompromising that all of that translates into me being unlovable. Or not even necessarily that, but, too much of a headache. I know that most men will agree that all women are crazy, but by my own admission, I’m on a whole other level of crazy. I mean, for all intents and purposes, I’m a certified psychopath! But at the same time, I do have a big heart and the truth is, I’m really sensitive, but I’ve created a defense mechanism to guard myself from the pain of rejection and unacceptance and mistakes- so much that I barely give anyone the opportunity for that to happen before I add more layers to the tower of distance between my heart and their potential unconditional love. I know that this kind of love exists….or at least I’ve heard it does, mostly in the Bible…or the kind between a mother and her child.
Sometimes, I don’t even want to deal with my issues and I feel that it’d be unfair to inflict or involve anyone else in that. I’d just assume that if you’re gonna leave anyway, then let’s not waste each other’s time (foolish, I know, but when it comes to my heart, I’d really kinda like a guarantee, although it’s as unfair of me to ask that of you as it would be for you to ask it of me, again, unreasonable, yes). Aside from all that, not only am I moody, indecisive and uncompromising, but I also require a lot of attention. I’m not a morning person. And I hate washing dishes! (Yet, I manage to use every dish in the kitchen cabinet when I cook, almost anything). And I may be just a wee-bit insecure at times. And I’m rather sarcastic & passive aggressive.
Yep, I’m a handful, and a half! And after every breakup, I retreat to the same old line, “maybe I just need some time to myself to work on me,” isn’t that what we all say? But to know me, to really know me, I think is to love me. And as I’ve said before, it’s definitely going to take a man who can step up to this challenge. In the meantime, I’ll take the first step.