So while I’m uneasy to admit this, a major issue in Aiden’s and my breakup was trust. Or infidelity, if you will, although not on a physical level. It was emotional. When it comes to me with Big, it’s always emotional. After I came clean and confessed everything to Aiden about my emotional infidelity, he asked me, “What was it about him?” Some kind of way, Aiden had done his research on my past and gathered details, unbeknownst to me about Big and the fact that he was financially well off. I remember him asking me specifically if that was one of the reasons why I was attracted to him. To the contrary, that was actually the very reason why I wasn’t, in the beginning. Big was flashy. And I don’t like flashy men. The first night I met him, he sent me home with a bottle of Moët & Chandon. But aside from the typical gentleman-ly things that a man is supposed to do, like opening the door, picking up the check and letting me cum first, he didn’t go out of his way to shower me and spoil me the way men typically do. He never sent me flowers just because, or surprised me with jewelry on my birthday or a whisked me away for the weekend to Las Vegas or on a houseboat…. (clears throat)
My attraction to Big was mental. When I was first getting to know him, I loved the way his mind worked. He intrigued me. He was different than any other man I’d ever dated before. We had these deep conversations about…everything. And I was impressed with his way of thinking. And I was young, in my early 20s which should at least give a little bit of a pass, lol (ok, not really, because I was still old enough to know right and wrong, IJS).
One of the very first conversations I remember having with him, we stayed on the phone until the sun came up. I remember him telling me that he believed that he could do anything that he put his mind to. I remember him saying that he thrived off people telling him that he couldn’t do something. He illustrated with this example. “I’m the type of person that if somebody told me, ‘I bet you can’t get from this rooftop to that one,’ he continued, “I would get some propellers and strap them to my back and I bet I’d get over there. Hey, they didn’t say how I could get over there,” he laughed. That mindset turned me on. I was attracted to his confidence and his determination. Even when we talked about our careers and aspirations, I always felt like he offered sound advice. I felt that he challenged me. And that’s not something that most men do. There was a time when I really believed that he cared about me as a person and wanted to see me win. When I felt like he really had my back.
So for that reason, he was different. He was older. He was secure. He seemed to be level-headed and mature. Came from a good family. And he gave me my first real orgasm, in fact, several of them. We were friends, like actually friends for almost 2 years before we ever even became intimate. I learned a lot from him. I respected his hustle. I respected him as a person, knowing his past and all that he’d overcome. And in my mind, the way I saw him in other aspects of his life made me believe that he would be that persistent in pursuing me. Ultimately, I think it came down to the fact that because I had such high hopes for how I thought he would be (with regard to me), that’s the reason why I ended up so deeply disappointed. Now, I’m starting to realize that maybe he wasn’t the blame of my pain, but rather the instrument which through the melody played. Don’t get me wrong now, he wasn’t completely innocent. Lest we not forget that an omission of truth by the same token is still a lie. But after a while, when someone is showing you their intentions, regardless of what they say (or neglect to say), then you have to take it at face value. I knew 2 years in where I stood with Big when I first found out about the girl that he moved in his house. The one girl that I believe he was in love with. I was devastated. And I should have left him alone, then. But because he continued to call, as occasional as it was, and because I wanted it to be more, I waited for him to come back around. And then, a couple years later, once they were broken up, he did. And we kinda picked back up. They say when people show you who they are that you should believe them the first time.
Being the woman that I am, I can take accountability for my role: being stupid & being in love. That’s right, I was in love and faithful to a man who wasn’t even claiming me! At the same time, I didn’t make up the last decade in my head with this man. While he didn’t give me the commitment that I wanted, he gave me reasons to believe that we had….something …more than a commitment, something real. We had a real connection. But in life and in love, when people fall short of the expectations that you’ve made for them, who’s really to blame?
image credit: agiletestingalliance.org