Tunnel Vision

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Work all day, no sleep, all work, no play

6 inch heels, Beyoncé

It will pay off.

Yo, I’m focused man. And I’m not even playin. Its all a part of the plan. Tryna get to where I am. Understand what I’m sayin.- #TRBCB

I feel like it’s finally happening. Like, FR this time. I talked about it for so long. I dreamed about it for so long. I’ve wanted it so bad. And now, I really feel like its happening. I got the best news on Friday. In addition to scoring two interviews in one day, one of them could be a game-changer for me. And to top it off, he called me personally to agree to it! I was beyond excited because I’ve been reaching out to him for almost 2 months now with no avail. Then, the day before, I got another exclusive on a story that I had been trying to get leads on since the case took a major turn in early July. And then, there is one more opportunity that could be so big, I don’t even want to say it out loud. At the same time, I almost want to run and tell anyone who’ll listen.

Sad thing is, when I got the call on Friday, the first thing I wanted to do was share it Big. Or Aidan. Or somebody… whoever would listen. Then I remembered…

On another hand, I kinda feel…. relieved. I mean with the Big/Aidan situation. There was a time when I felt conflicted. Then, I was absolutely sure how I felt about Aidan, until I realized that I still had some unresolved feelings for Big. Then, I was head over heels in love with Aidan, again. But, Big was still on my mind, not to mention in my heart. And now, I almost feel….relieved, that both of them are free from the web of the insatiable Black widow’s emotions. Quite honestly, I feel like Aidan deserves better. And I feel like Big wants better.

And me. I just want to continue on my path of pursuing my happiness. I feel like I’ve wasted so much time and now that it would seem that everything I’ve been working toward is falling into place, I just want to keep the momentum going. Strike while the iron is hot!

I’m so hopeful for the future. I feel like I can do anything. Absolutely anything that I put my mind to! I used to have this vision that I would tell my sister all the time. I used to tell her that one day, all of our dreams of success would come through once we took that first step. I said that once we took that leap of faith into actively pursuing our dreams, things would start to happen and at that time I’d ask myself, “What took me so long to do this?” I know the answer to that question, all too well. Fear. It keeps us confined to the comforts of our own discomfort.  I know this story all too well.

Even now, at this very hour, I should probably be in bed. And as much as I would like to be, my mind was so wired that I just needed to write. That’s been happening a lot. Times when my body realizes how sleep deprived I really am from work and school and volunteering and blogging and interviewing for Odyssey and church and yoga and Spanish and…life. Like, quite honestly, to even commit to a relationship right now, like a real relationship would honestly feel like another task on my to-do list, especially if he were someone that required a lot of attention (and let’s be honest, what man doesn’t?).

I feel like, God always knows what He’s doing. And right now, He’s the only man that I can totally commit to.

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