The Makeup of Me

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I swear I can’t understand what Aiden sees in me. I’m the most difficult woman in the entire existence of life since God created Eve.

I’m stubborn. Sometimes unforgiving. Moody AF. Little bit of a control freak. Definitely not a morning person. And I don’t shut up unless of course I’m pissed off, in which case, you can absolutely recognize the distinction in my silence. I’m always right. And I’m pretty sure I’m a top contender for the “Most Indecisive Woman on the Planet” contest. To my credit, I’m trying to get better with my mood swings, I swear it. God knows I’ve tried getting clinically diagnosed so that someone could just fix it, but to no avail. So I’m taking St. John’s Warts now since my doctor refuses to prescribe me any real drugs. Why is it that everybody around me seems to be able to get on anti-depressants except me? I WANT TO BE HAPPY, TOO, DAMNIT!

I’m not an easy woman to love. I know this much about myself. And I’ve tried giving Aiden a way out on more than one occasion. Yet it seems that the more I push, the stronger he pulls me in with the most loving embrace. And maybe that’s why I love him. Because he accepts me. He understands the risk and he’s still willing to come along for the ride. And let me tell you, honey, it’s been one helluva ride.

With Big, I always felt that his love came with contingencies. Like, he only wanted me when I was submissive enough. Kept my mouth shut and didn’t speak. Didn’t complain too much or voice my opinions. I was always afraid to tell him how I was really feeling for fear of sounding like I was nagging him. I perpetuated the policy of “don’t ask, don’t tell” in hopes that he’d see me as being “cool” and less “dramatic”. But let’s be honest here, Drama is my middle name. And I have actually come to appreciate this about myself, lol.

With Aiden, I feel 100% comfortable to tell him the truth about….anything. And I have. About everything. Even when it was uncomfortable. And that’s what I really need. It’s what every woman needs. And wants. Someone who makes her feel safe. Someone who won’t give up, even when it gets uncomfortable. Someone who will fight for her and with her. Someone who can see the good in a person, despite the bad, the drama and everything else that comes with us.

I think that because I don’t really need a man to do anything for me, because I’m so used to my own independence, it’s hard for me to really fall into the “submissive” girlfriend role. And I think that was a huge factor with me & Big. From the moment I met him, I sensed that what he really wanted was someone that he could impress upon. And well, if I’m honest, I’m just not that simple bitch that he’s used to. I’ll never be submissive in terms of allowing a man to control me, but I will concede to give up just enough control (and maybe even talk-back) to let him think he’s in control, thereby playing the role and letting him take the lead. #SheSmiles

For 30 something years, I’ve done this my way. And the more time that goes on, the more I realize how much I love doing this my way. On my terms. People like me, who’ve been single for so long, and have had such disappointments in relationships are probably the hardest to love. I can love you today. And sleep well without you tomorrow. It’s almost a cache 22 because my nonchalant disposition is often misinterpreted as not giving a fuck. When in reality, I actually give a HUUUGE fuck! I do! It’s just that, as the years have gone on, I’ve learned how to love you and let you go, without missing a beat. The truth is, because I have everything I need in myself, I am complete. So for me to want you, like, reeeeeeally want you, you gotta come on some “blow my mind” type ish, in more ways than one. And I’m sorry if that comes off as arrogant or….whatever. But, I finally know my value. And these days, I’m just not willing to accept anything less than what I want and what I’m worth.


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