Time to Wake Up

Vector Cartoon  of the Classicl Alarm Clock Ringing

God spoke to me early this morning.

And I know it was nothing but Him because it was before 6am when I was laying in bed, deciding that I was going to snooze for a while. I tried to resist the inner voice that was speaking to me when it grew stronger to the point where it was beyond a metaphor, it was physical. “Get out of your bed and get down on your knees,” He spoke. I didn’t want to do this right now. Then the Lord said, “The day you hear my voice, harden not your heart.”

I kneeled beside my bed with gratitude. Tears streaming down with the coolness of The Righteous One. God wanted me to surrender. At this point, I was exhausted, but not defeated. I was tired of doing it things way, after all.

Unlike most of the time when I come to Him, I’m the one doing all the talking, but today, God spoke to me. He told me that I was forgiven. He told me that He chose me. He told me to embody the spirit of yes. I told Him that I really wanted to—I told Him, yes.

It’s crazy because I consider myself to be a flawed person & it baffles me as to why God wants me. I understand that it’s not by doing or because I’m just so awesome, but by His grace & His loving mercy & His love that is able to cover a multitude of my sins.

At this moment, I’m preparing to do that today. To embody the spirit of yes, starting with the simple things. Like if someone at work asks me to do something that I really don’t want to do, even if the answer is no, I still want to have the spirit of yes.

I feel like I’m walking into a new season of my life so I want to be reminded of what God said to me today, “It’s not going to be easy, but it will be worth it.”

TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw

On Bended Knee

bended knee

I eased into the conversation like, “Hey, I know it’s been a minute since we’ve talked and I’m sorry I haven’t made time for you, lately. I really don’t wanna cry & be all dramatic about this…but,” I began.

God answered, “It’s okay. I’m here.”

As the words began to get stuck in my throat, I decided that this prayer would be straight from my heart to God’s ears. Ordinarily, when it’s been this long since I’ve prayed, I try to be a little more formal with it. You know, get down on my knees and speak to Him aloud. But since words seemed to escape me, I settled on this method.

Before I knew it, my tear ducts runneth over and the only thing I could muster up to say to Him was, “I’m sorry.”

I continued in silence, speaking through only my tears, “I feel like I’ve failed You. I’m so ashamed. It’s not even me this time saying that I want You, God, but I need You. In every area of my life. I want to surrender everything to You.” The tears that were once silent erupted into a desperate weep.

praying woman

God said, “Is that what you really want?” Yes, I nodded, then no. “I do, God… but I don’t know if I can,” I bargained, as if He weren’t the Sovereign One who knows all. “God, I do, You know I do, but I honestly don’t know if I’m ready,” I struggled to negotiate. He replied, “Well, take your time. I won’t beg you and I won’t make you choose, but I’ll be here when you decide.” Almost as if He were saying, “I don’t want you if you’re not ready because I have plans for you that will require your full, undivided attention.”

Lord only knows how tired I am of going back & forth, straddling the fence. I’d heard this notion before, of God wanting us to choose Him, but I’d never understood the weight of that idea until this precious moment.

What was I “afraid” of anyway? What was so great in my life right now that I wasn’t willing to give up for something better? The reality is there isn’t anything in my life so wonderful that it couldn’t be improved. I’m not exactly thriving in any particular area of my life. At best, I’m comfortable. I couldn’t name one thing that I was truly afraid to let go of. I don’t go out, as it is. I don’t like the taste of alcohol. And I’d much rather save myself, my body, for someone who really deserves that sacred part of me. I mean, by no means am I a saint or the virgin Mary, but what I mean is, sex is a highly intense and intimate act that I truly believe should be reserved for someone who values you, rather the few, pardon the phrase here, “nothin ass niggas” that I’ve regrettably & irresponsibly given it to. Ugh.

Before I could get into a lengthy monologue about all of my transgressions, the Tamela Mann tune that was playing when I first started had stopped. I sat there in silence. A few short moments later, I felt a physical peace come over me as a smile donned my face. I nodded. Yep. Then I nodded, once again just to confirm.

 

-TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw ™

redeemedgirlministries-com

Daily Affirmation

I’ve always believed in the power of words. I’m a writer, after all, it kinda goes with the gig. My life is filled with hand-written inspirations of yellow sticky notes in my home, in my car, in my office. In my purse.

For no apparent reason yesterday, everything was going well when suddenly, I felt uninspired and overwhelmed. I wallowed in it for a moment before quickly deciding to change my own mind.

I woke up this morning, unsettled. For whatever reason, he was on my mind. My thoughts almost held me hostage again until I said this aloud, “If it brings you happiness, then it brings me peace.” I like the idea that whatever is bringing joy into someone else’s life brings me a sense of peace, despite the fact that it may hurt or inconvenience me. I’m choosing to put my feelings aside for someone else’s happiness, creating a peace within that. To some people, that may sound extreme. It may seem like I’m choosing them over me. But I find profound strength is choosing to be at peace regardless of someone else’s choices even if it hurt.

-TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw