Just like Déjà Vu

I hear the door to the hallway open. Around the corner walks my co-worker straight towards me, “De’Ja, some guy in the hallway is asking for you.” My heart did a back tuck & my mouth, I’m sure, hit the floor, I swallowed a breath & gathered my composure so as not to alarm my colleague. As soon as he turned the wall, I grabbed my phone to check my hair. I don’t even want to take the time to go to the other bathroom for fear he’ll be gone by the time I get back. I get myself together as best I can and make my way to the door but it was too late. He was gone.

That dream shook me. Stayed with me all morning. “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name, dear,” the voice on the other end of the phone says, jolting me back to reality. “It’s DeJa. Like deja vu,” I respond.
*
Okay, you’ve got to get it together, girl. I’ve gotta get some work done today. But I can’t. It’s like I get dressed up everyday to come down here to think about him. That’s like my new job.
*
I’m trying not to look for him. And at the same time, I am looking for him so that I’m not caught off guard. I’m looking for him to avoid him so he doesn’t think I’m looking for him. And all I’m really trying to do is live my life.
*
I still carry pieces of you with me every day.
It’s true. Sometimes I wear his things. At home, I’ll put on one of his shirts. It makes me feel closer to him. So close. Yet so far away.

-TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw

Through My Eyes

i_c_u___see_through_my_eyes_by_vigar-d5u88jsIt hurts to be so physically closed to someone & not be able to reach them. Like, he’s just 2 levels up in the very building I’m sitting in right now. In the hallway to my break room, we literally cross paths. Every time I go in there, I swear, I can smell his cologne. Continue reading “Through My Eyes”

In Pursuit of Happiness

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Photo credit: De’Ja K. Johnson

For several weeks now, I’ve been on a self-proclaimed quest to find happiness. I initially thought that if I changed career paths, then that would make me happy- to be in the field of media, getting to do what I want to do, at least sometimes, while gaining experience & learning first hand media production. Then I figured that what I wanted was to make more money- and so I thought a new job could offer that. Alas, I concluded that I just really wanted to be alone- to take some time for myself, away from everyone, to focus completely on me. So I took a hiatus from friends, social media, even from writing and making videos on YouTube. Continue reading “In Pursuit of Happiness”