You’d think I would have learned the lesson by now. 

But here I was, months into what felt like déja vù for every other relationship I’ve ever been in. I’m starting to think that I’ve dated the same man in a different form for the last 2 decades. Nonetheless, there I stood once again, trying to convince myself not to call him again.

If you’re just going to be pissed off when you call him, then don’t call him.

If you’re going to feel even worse if he doesn’t answer, then don’t call him.

If you’re just going to forget how he hurt you and go right back to him, then don’t call him.

Yeaaaaaaa. I’d rather deal with the confusion of him not calling than for me to call him, have him not answer & then feel like an idiot. The way I looked at it, one of two things would happen. Either he wasn’t going to respond the way I wanted him to or he wasn’t going to respond at all. Which was the lesser of two evils? I just can’t do it.

If there’s one thing I hate more than anything in relationships, it’s feeling stupid. I’d rather feel confused than to feel stupid. I’d rather feel lonely than stupid. I rather wonder why than to regret being an eternal missed call. That anticipation would kill me. And if it didn’t, then the realization that settles in after he doesn’t call back the following days surely will. I’ve been there before. I know what it looks like.

Okay, I feel stupid now. Kinda. Kinda stupid but kinda relieved at the same time. I called him. He didn’t answer. And it’s been like an hour now. An hour that I’ve tried rationalizing and justifying why he hasn’t called back. It dawned on me, in the midst of my contemplating explanations that I was unsure of, one thing that I knew for sure was that he hasn’t called. Called back or called period. There was no debate about that.

So what if he does call? What if he doesn’t?

What I really want to know is how does he feel? Like, really. Does he even care? Does he want a relationship? That’s what I really want to know.

I want to numb these feelings so bad right now.

GIRL. JUST GET OVER IT. GET OVER HIM, LIKE NOW—TODAY. MATTER FACT, YESTERDAY.

Even if he calls you right now, that still doesn’t answer the question of why he hasn’t called you in the 5 days before today. Like, what kept him, what had his attention so much that he couldn’t call, text or reply to you in 5 whole days? What the actual fuck?! If he can disregard you like that, then his feelings for you aren’t that strong and chances are, you’ll be in this same situation in another few weeks/ months time if you continue on with him… Don’t listen to your heart. Listen to your head. Be smart this time. You’ve not invested that much time into him yet, so don’t waste another month of your time and allow yourself to fall any deeper for him than you already have. Get out while you can, now, when it’s much easier one month in rather than a year…. You know what you need to do. So just do it. Let it go. Find someone new. Or better yet, go find yourself again. Go hard. Work hard. Take some time to get your shit together physically, spiritually & emotionally.

Man, I sweaaar. When you get your feelings hurt, you go through so many emotions. Like, right now, I’m just like, shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid, what you gone do, D? LMAO! SmMFh like, idk, I don’t even care anymore. It is what it is and a whole bunch of other ambiguous shit, at this point, hahahahaha. Hell, I still have a choice in all this. And right now, I’m like, I choose me. I choose happy. I choose not to give a fuck about somebody who I doesn’t give a fuck about me. And I’d rather have a choice in all that than to feel like I can’t control my feelings. I mean, I do feel a way and I am sad, but, I don’t wanna focus on that. I wanna focus on some constructive ish, like getting this money. And getting my Cool Sculpting. And what’s my next YouTube video gonna be about? When am I going on vacation? What’s gonna make me happy? Honestly, a trip somewhere tropical, a plane ride away, spontaneously, all by myself for like 2 days would reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally make me happy right about now. Getting away for a while would do me some good.