I woke up with a breakthrough this morning. I was on my commute this morning, giving myself a pep talk & I felt like Oprah. Like, at one point, I was like, “Ahhhhhhh” lol, you know.
I feel like, had I just known that all I needed was to go through the motions & get it out. If I had just known, actually realized that I had the power this whole time to transform that negative energy. Had I known that all I needed was time. Just like, 2 weeks & I could feel this much better then I wouldn’t have stressed so hard.
I’m starting to realize that while I was giving myself the blues going through this whole thing, I started to realize that my pain was not necessarily due to him as the person, but what he meant to me, what the relationship meant. I kinda realized that he wasn’t just this great boyfriend or great guy that I was losing, but I was sad at the thought of losing those times I had with him, the fun times, the experiences, the feelings, the communication. That’s often times what it is. Moreover, I started to understand the pain that had arisen from the unanswered questions that he left me with. Was something wrong with me? Was he not attracted to me? Was there someone else? Did he just not care? Could I have done something differently? The questions. When you have those questions, your mind will go to almost any length to satisfy that curiosity. I had to understand that I have the ability to do that for myself. Give myself the answers. The answers that I wanted him to say & also the ones I truly felt like he would give.
I had to realize what I’d learned in my undergraduate studies that people aren’t born great communicators. They learn to be. And just because my ex wasn’t the best communicator, that doesn’t make him a bad person. Thinking about that actually gave me compassion for him. I wondered what made him that way. Did he want to be that way or did he aspire to better? Did he learn this behavior as a child & therefore was just a product of his environment with regard to communicating. Did something happen in a previous relationship that caused him to shut down? Was he afraid? There were times that I even felt bad for him- because I knew what he was losing in me. Or potentially anyone. Knowing how vital communication is to having healthy long-term relationships, I remembered something he told me (perhaps forewarned me about) when we first got together, “I’m not good with relationships but I want to do better because I don’t want to be alone forever”.
It wasn’t really him. It was me. It was the type of person that I am. It was the way I communicate & how that affects me that was the real reason why I went through all the pain that I did.
Once I was able to step back & analyze the situation, it relieved me. It relieved me from feelings of grief, inadequacy & anger, confusion. I harbored those feelings for him. I projected that onto him, because sometimes, it’s easier to have someone else to blame. I was hurt because I didn’t get the closure or the communication that I wanted & needed (to move forward in a more positive way).
It also made me reevaluate what a long-term relationship with him could have been like & the pitfalls that I may have avoided. I started to be grateful. I began to realize that my needs were disproportionate to what he could give. And then, I started to understand the blessing in our departure.
I’m learning that this breakup is not just about a breakup. For me, I’m starting to believe that this is my ministry. My life’s work. I’ve always felt that “my purpose” in life would have a deep personal interest of mine. I felt like it would somehow involve telling my story. I just didn’t know how. Until now. I wanted to believe in the cliches that “my life’s work” would “help people”. First & foremost, it’s helped me. It forced me to reexamine my faith & my relationship with religion. Up to this point, I had been missing something, there was a void. This helped bring me back to center. It helped me reconnect to my faith. It led me to an existential experience with God.