I have no idea why but I’m feeling so anxious right now.
Like, I can’t get still. I can’t get my mind still. I’m physically uncomfortable sitting in this chair, trying to adjust my position, shifting my weight, changing the setting on this heater beside me. My focus is out of focus and the only thing that feels right is to write.
I’m at work so I know I’m supposed to be doing something right now, other than this. Ironically enough, I feel the same way about my job. Like, I’m supposed to be doing something other than this. On one hand, I’m in my head like, “Get another job, D. This is not who you are.” The other side of my brain is saying, “Anybody can quit. It takes a different type of person to keep going, especially when it’s something you don’t want to be doing.” All these damn cliches in my head telling me, “Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do until you can do better.” I feel so conflicted.
The past couple years for me have been about finding balance in my personal and professional life. The problem with my current job is that I don’t feel fulfilled. I’ve been with the company now for 8 months, but even at my 60 day evaluation mark, I had some concerns that, thankfully, I was able to express with my President. They were gracious in diversifying my job duties and I was honored that they valued me enough to even accommodate my request. Yet, here we are, 3 department changes & 6 months later and I’m still very much unhappy (in the larger scheme of things). I don’t know if I’m supposed to stick it out or stop wasting time. Most of the people that work here seem to truly enjoy what they do. And I envy that. Furthermore, I feel like that’s the reason why they’re successful, because they’re invested in their work. They care.
I was supposed to start in a new role just this week with the addition of a “new” hire coming in. When he declined the position at the last minute, my boss called me in for a quick chat to see how I was feeling, “Are you sure you’re okay with this?” she pushed. I answered her as best I could, with a smile of course, “I couldn’t be happier.” It was the truth. God knows I wanted to be happier. I was trying really hard but I just couldn’t seem to get there.