Happy Freakin’ New Year

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I honestly didn’t expect it to happen this year. But on the eve of New Year’s Eve as I drove home, on a cold, rainy night no less, I felt the pressure rising up in my chest. To be honest, I felt it early Saturday morning when I woke up in a beautiful suite that overlooked my city, all alone.

When I got to my mother’s house just 4 days after Christmas, there was no more smell of pine because the tree that we’d cut down just a month before was now sitting on the curb. It was all quiet, mainly because when I arrived everyone was still in bed, but still. No more obnoxious family or friends to stop by, everyone, at that point, had left to return to their respective domiciles. I tried to play it cool with my mother who’d gotten up to make pancakes on this unusually cold Saturday morning. She insisted that she was kinda grateful to get back to her “regular routine”. For both our sake, I nodded in agreement.

The truth is I figured out why I get anxiety around this time. It’s because leading up to the holidays, I have so much to look forward to, in being with my family & friends. But once all of that is gone, I feel empty inside. Like there’s nothing immediate for me to look forward to. Everyone is always so nice around the holidays, it just seems for a small moment, a happy place. While I understand that New Years is supposed to be filled with hope, I couldn’t help but feel…anxious. Sorta hopeful, though. If holding your breath while hoping that some ridiculous stroke of luck falls your way counts…

The truth is that I’m probably so emotionally fucked up from 2018 that I’m afraid of what the new year may bring. The truth is while I want to be over my breakup this year, I’m still not all the way over it. And unfortunately, it’s not as simple as the turn of a page on a calendar.

That’s the thing about New Year’s. It’s so overrated. But in keeping with the spirit of the optimism that comes along with this day, I’ll indulge. The truth is that when you’re really tired of….anything in life, be it a job, a relationship or even a feeling, you’ll do something to change it. And it doesn’t take a whole new year to do it, but there is something magical in the symbolism of it all. The truth is I’m so over certain people and certain situations in 2018. My capacity to even give a fuck has been exhausted. This New Year’s Eve will be more than just a metaphor.

Happy Fucking New Year,

TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw

Time to Wake Up

Vector Cartoon  of the Classicl Alarm Clock Ringing

God spoke to me early this morning.

And I know it was nothing but Him because it was before 6am when I was laying in bed, deciding that I was going to snooze for a while. I tried to resist the inner voice that was speaking to me when it grew stronger to the point where it was beyond a metaphor, it was physical. “Get out of your bed and get down on your knees,” He spoke. I didn’t want to do this right now. Then the Lord said, “The day you hear my voice, harden not your heart.”

I kneeled beside my bed with gratitude. Tears streaming down with the coolness of The Righteous One. God wanted me to surrender. At this point, I was exhausted, but not defeated. I was tired of doing it things way, after all.

Unlike most of the time when I come to Him, I’m the one doing all the talking, but today, God spoke to me. He told me that I was forgiven. He told me that He chose me. He told me to embody the spirit of yes. I told Him that I really wanted to—I told Him, yes.

It’s crazy because I consider myself to be a flawed person & it baffles me as to why God wants me. I understand that it’s not by doing or because I’m just so awesome, but by His grace & His loving mercy & His love that is able to cover a multitude of my sins.

At this moment, I’m preparing to do that today. To embody the spirit of yes, starting with the simple things. Like if someone at work asks me to do something that I really don’t want to do, even if the answer is no, I still want to have the spirit of yes.

I feel like I’m walking into a new season of my life so I want to be reminded of what God said to me today, “It’s not going to be easy, but it will be worth it.”

TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw

The Right Thing. The Write Thing.

design desk display eyewear
Photo by energepic.com on Pexels.com

I have no idea why but I’m feeling so anxious right now.

Like, I can’t get still. I can’t get my mind still. I’m physically uncomfortable sitting in this chair, trying to adjust my position, shifting my weight, changing the setting on this heater beside me. My focus is out of focus and the only thing that feels right is to write. Continue reading “The Right Thing. The Write Thing.”