Him & I

79012640-girl-sitting-in-front-of-the-sea-in-la-coruna-spain-The skies were the most beautiful shades of blue today. And so were the winds that blew through the fabric of my blouse. I sat on a park bench, alone with my thoughts. And God.

It just so happened that my thoughts were getting the best of me. Fears of loneliness and depression started to seep into my brain. “Get the fuck out of my head, you jerks!” I wanted to proclaim out loud, but I couldn’t have the happy couples who were blissfully strolling through the park look at me funny. Instead, I decided to quiet my mind & seek God.
*
I settled into a relaxed position and listened to my breaths. There were so many things distracting me right now. Thoughts of my failed relationships. Failures, in general. What did I want to do with the rest of my life…What was my plan… The plane flying above my head… The toddler crying in the distance… But most of all, my relationship. I thought back to the day when I was there with him. I regretted not asking him that question, the one that may have made a difference. I struggled, concluding that it probably still wouldn’t have. God, I need your help.
*
I’d finally cleared out all the junk in my head when I felt the softest voice say to me, “Get up & cast it into the water.” I sat there trying to avoid it because it was such a beautiful day. I didn’t want to ruin it by trying to be poetic. Plus, I really didn’t want to “have a moment” right now for fear that I might break down & cry. And besides that, I was just on my one-hour lunch break, after all. “Oh, my Gaaaaahd. But why, Lord? I don’t want to do this,” I complained. “Get up,” the voice grew stronger. Even then, I persisted a little longer all the while knowing that I couldn’t leave until I had done as I was instructed. Making excuses, I bargained, “But God, I don’t even have anything to throw.” Me, wanting it to be symbolic, I realized that I had nothing on me directly related to him, aside from my phone and we all know that was out of the question. “Find something and make it representative of what you’re throwing away,” the voice said clearly. This time, I got up. I spotted a small rock on the ground, picked it up and walked towards the bank of the river.
*
“What does this rock represent?” I asked myself. What do I want it to represent? I decided that my small piece of sediment would represent the hope of him ever coming back & but also the hope of true love coming into my life. As I walked along the bank, I changed my mind. Throwing a rock into the river felt too…harsh. I wanted a more whimsical feeling. I looked along the ground until my eye caught a sparkle reflecting from the sun. It was a penny. This is perfect. Just before the plunge, I imagined I was a kid again, back when I believed in the enchantment of wishes. I closed my eyes and threw it in. I hope I never see him again.

-TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw

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One thought on “Him & I

  1. Pingback: I F**king Hate Him – TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw.com

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