Mind Over Marriage

I know a lot of women that want to be married who are hopelessly single. And I say that because, while a lot of women proclaim to be single out of not wanting to “settle”, although some women’s idea of settling may a tad-bit disproportionate.

Before you flood my inbox, let me explain. I’m not saying that women shouldn’t have standards or that they should downgrade on what they want in a mate. I’m saying change the way you think about relationships in general, and also marriage. For starters, some women want a wedding more than a marriage. Some women want romance more than a marriage. Some women want validation from their family and friends (& whoever is watching on social media) more than the commitment of being with someone for better or worse. Excuse me if I sound like I’m pointing a finger. I am, including the three that are directed back at myself.

What if, instead of focusing on the wedding, the romance and the man, what if we shifted our attention to the relationship that we want, the commitment and the bond we desire. I’m not saying we shouldn’t want affection or to be attracted to our partners, but instead of (immediately) writing someone off if all of these things aren’t in place, focus on nurturing what is. 

My relationship with Aiden had some of the best qualities of any relationship I’ve ever had, yet somehow, I managed to sabotage our relationship because I couldn’t get over things that probably could have been restored. In my mind, a strong physical connection was something I desired, not fully realizing how my mental roadblocks factored in my challenges connecting with him on some levels.

Of course, there were personal struggles (many of them), that I needed to address on my own…mostly my fear of dragging someone that I truly loved through what could have been a treacherous voyage of figuring out my bullshit.

In the end, I couldn’t help but wonder if I made the mistake of taking his choice to be there away with my resistance. On some level, I feared the worst, that after years of crying, trying & therapy, I still wouldn’t be able to get my shit together and then he would resent me. I also feared that because of our other issues that I hadn’t let go of from the past, that I would continue to resent him & we would end up in (A) a dysfunctional marriage or (B) a divorce and I couldn’t determine which was worse. So I ultimately decided to spare us either of those fates. 

But what if I made a conscious decision to change that narrative by actively working to change my mindset. What if I resolved to the reality from time to time, we may disappoint each other? What if I concentrated on the reasons why we loved each other? What if I was intentional in my daily life to see the benefit of having someone like him in my life?

What if my intent was to commit to being with this great human being, no matter what, understanding that they are not perfect (as aren’t you), they may fuck up from time to time, (as may you), but they are committed to being by your side, no matter what life throws at you. 


Wouldn’t that make loving someone a little bit easier? If we could take the pressure off of them to be perfect, to be sexy, to be romantic, to remember anniversaries and just to be there. They may not have all the answers to your questions and they may not have the power to fix the problems, but they have the ability to assure you that they are in for the ride on the journey of life.  

What are your thoughts? If you and your spouse/mate/S.O. could make one promise to each other, what would it be? What is the one promise you can make to your S.O.? What is the one thing, one promise you want from your partner?

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3 thoughts on “Mind Over Marriage

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