In today’s culture, attachment styles are a big issue. We all have one and they can determine the way we interact with other people. The secure attachment style is the best to have because it means you feel comfortable depending on others for emotional support, but also give help when needed. Insecure attachment styles often lead to anxiety, fear of abandonment or rejection, and not being able to trust anyone that comes into your life. If you want to change from insecure attachment style to secure attachment style, keep reading.
The first step in changing your attachment style is to figure out what kind of attachment style you have. Everyone has one and they usually fit into two categories: secure or insecure. Additionally, there are 3 types of insecure attachment styles: Anxious, Avoidant (dismissive), or fearful-avoidant.
The secure type is best because it means that you feel comfortable depending on others for emotional support but are also able to give help when needed.
Insecure attachment styles are characterized by anxiety, fear of abandonment, and not being able to trust anyone that comes into your life.
If you want to change from secure attachment style to insecure, here’s what you need to do.
One of first things to do is to be aware of what triggers insecurity for you in relationships. If your secure attachment style is constantly being changed to insecure then it means you have a problem with one of these triggers. Common ones are:
- Your partner blows you off or rejects you for another person, so they’re not really interested in the relationship;
- You find yourself overanalyzing behavior and questioning whether someone likes/loves you or not;
- You are constantly seeking reassurance from your partner that they love and care about you.
Once you have identified the triggers of insecurity for yourself, it’s time to change them!
Change your thought patterns (& yes, this is easier said than done).
For example, if someone else has blown off a date with you then don’t take it personally. It could be because something came up unexpectedly and it has nothing to do with you. If your partner has an emergency and can’t make it to a date then give them the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming they don’t care about you. A secure attachment style has able to not overanalyze behavior, but also be understanding when someone needs their space or time apart from other people so that they don’t feel smothered. When it comes to asking for reassurance, secure attachment styles aren’t afraid of being vulnerable with their partner and they know this is a part of loving someone else. Not everyone feels love at the same time or in the same way so communicate openly about what you need from them instead of assuming they don’t want to be there for you.
Once you are aware of the triggers that make you feel insecure then you can move on to being more secure in relationships. One way to do this is by making self-soothing techniques a priority when feeling insecure. Self soothing means doing things alone or with others that relaxes your mind and makes you feel better about yourself. Some things to try are:
- Taking a hot bath or shower;
- Watching your favorite show on Netflix and cuddling with a pet;
- Going out for coffee by yourself so that you can read, write in your gratitude journal, listen to music, or work on a project.
- Talk to someone. Ideally, it’s best to tell your partner how you’re feeling. Then again, this may be the source of your anxiety if you fear your partner will not respond in a constructive way. If you’re still reluctant to do this, consider a time when you spoke up and were pleasantly surprised by your partner’s response.
Secure attachment styles know that it’s normal to feel insecure from time to time in relationships and are able to see the good in their partners instead of looking for reasons why they aren’t perfect (or expecting them to be). They also realize that secure attachment is something you can practice with someone especially when trust has been broken in the past.
By practicing secure attachment in relationships, you are able to provide yourself with a secure base from which to grow and learn more about love instead of thinking that it’s something to be feared.
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