When it comes to dating, women often place men in two categories: the right man and the wrong man.

The right man, we suggest, is kind, consistent, and takes our feelings into consideration while the wrong man, we project as being selfish, unsupportive, erratic, and emotionally unavailable. While these two men may seem very different on the surface, they actually have something significant in common that once you realize, may help in your next relationship.

The RIGHT Man will bring out the Best in You

/best/ adjective: meaning of the highest quality, or being the most suitable, pleasing, or effective type of thing or person:

When the right man comes along, you should feel loved, supported, and confident in your position with him. The right person can make you feel even more beautiful than you already are because they accept you for who you are, flaws and all. The right relationship can help you finally put away feelings of not being “good enough” or “pretty enough” and will put you at ease with being your most authentic self. When you meet the right one, you should feel inspired to become even better. Why is that, you may ask? Because iron sharpens iron, meaning when you connect with the right person, both of your lives should enhance because you now have a sounding board to bounce ideas on, a trusted partner to confide in, and support one another. Think about it this way. When I say the “best” relationship, I don’t mean a relationship that is perfect. I mean a relationship that involves two people who were content INDEPENDENTLY, but whose lives improved (personally, professionally, financially, ect.) after they met. Does that make sense?

The WRONG Man will bring out the Worst in You

/wɝːst/ adjective: superlative of bad : of the lowest quality, or the most unpleasant, difficult, or severe:

Let me preface this paragraph by saying that many women have had that one guy who was just plain old bad for them. You know, the one you’re always drawn to even though you know he’s no good for you? This relationship often leads to feelings insecurity, frustration, and disappointment. And while there are certainly men who are simply no good for us (manipulative, abusive, Dark Triad personality), I’d be doing a disservice if I didn’t acknowledge one huge truth, which happens to be the caveat of this post: The common denominator in your failed relationships. I say this with love, Sis, but the answer is you.

*Breath and readjust.

Author Baylor Barbee is quoted as saying, “Relationships fail because people take their own insecurities and try and twist them into their partner’s flaws.”

People who lack accountability often find it convenient to blame external sources (people, circumstances, having a bad day, other person was disrespectful) when their relationships go south. It’s actually a common practice known as attribution theory. It’s a psychological term that deals with the way individuals perceive the causes of everyday experiences as being internal cause (dispositional) or external cause (situational). Psychologist Fritz Heider (1958) uses this theory to explain that people tend to see cause and effect relationships, even where there is none. For example, we attribute the behavior of a person to their personality, motives, or beliefs (i.e., “he’s rude, aggressive, controlling). Reversely, when we explain our own behaviors, we tend to highlight external causes such as situational factors, (i.e., The reason I went off was because….I was already having a bad day, I was overwhelmed, or because he came at me the wrong way). Instead of taking accountability for what we can control, we pronounce the fault of things outside of ourselves.

“Girl, let me tell you how this n***a did me so wrong,” you’ve proclaimed again and again, thinking to yourself, he just wasn’t the one. And again, I’m not negating the FACT that there is a surplus of low-quality men who are exceptional at portraying a false narrative long enough for us to develop an emotional attachment, but it also warrants exploring the idea of why we’ve developed patterns for tolerating BS for an extended period of time.

Consider this affirmation: I play a role in who and what I attract into my life and relationships.

The thing that most people don’t want to face about themselves is summed up in a quote by a famous Chinese philosopher that says, “No matter where you go, there you are.”