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I’m so thankful for days like today.
I woke up early and went to church for the first time in a long time. And what’s funny is when I walked into the sanctuary with lights that appeared to ascend from heaven, it felt like I’d never left. Before today, I had anxiety about going back. Just at the thoughts of what people may think. And not even because I had “back slid” but more at the thought of them thinking that I had. As bad as it may sound, I’ve just been busy. Working. And writing. And resting. And getting my life together. But you know how “church people” can sometimes come off as judgmental. They assume that if you’re not in the church, then you’re in the world. And since that wasn’t the case for me, I didn’t want to have to go through the motions of explaining myself, for a lack of a better word.
I wondered what they may say to me. Even had dialogues in my mind. “Where have you been,” I imagined they’d ask. “Nowhere. I just took a break,” is what I thought my response would be. But I didn’t want them thinking that because I’d been MIA that something must have been wrong. At the same time, I didn’t want anyone to think that I’d taken a break from God, either. To be honest, it was the exact opposite. But in all fairness and truth, I did take a break from church. Likewise, I took a break from school. And a break from work. For a while, I took a break from it all. And it was exactly what I needed to get clarity.
Sometimes when you take a break from things, it makes you realize whether or not it’s a good fit in your life. If it’s worth your time. And while I didn’t necessarily feel the pull of something that was missing from my life, I do feel a sense of more fulfillment when I’m in fellowship with my church family. I feel more hopeful. And inspired.
What I realized is that I really do enjoy the fellowship. When I was younger, I swore that once I got grown that I wouldn’t go to church. I figured that I didn’t really need it. I wasn’t out here robbing, killing or even fornicating on a regular enough basis (ok, that sounded way worse that I meant it to, but…that’s my truth). While I know that I’m not perfect by far, I felt like for the most part, I’m a decent person. There are lots of temptations that I could have fallen into (and Lord knows that some days I really wanted to) but my convictions for doing what’s right prevailed. And that should count for something.
I feel blessed that my relationship with God surpasses my church attendance. And that He’s never left my side, even at times when I neglected Him.
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“Look at the clouds and tell me what u see,” I asked.
He replied, “A lion.”
“How do you explain that,” I pondered
“Science, I suppose,” he grumbled.
I looked beyond the skies and for the first time ever, caught a glimpse of heaven on Earth. I replied undoubtedly with a smile, “No my friend. That is God.”