I can not figure out definitively if I want to be a “good girl,  & like all about the Lord, just full-on open up the doors to the church type girl” or if I want to be just a “balls to the wall, all the way out there, hard-core, dirty dog” with it, you know what I’m saying? Like, I can’t figure out which one I wanna do. It seems like I haven’t had much success with either of these two extremes. Last week I wrote a post that kinda kick-started my crusade for #30Datesin30Days & thus my journey to “the dark side” & me being a bad girl. Here, almost a week later I can declare that having walked along both sides the fence, neither one is working for me with regard to relationships.

So. I called myself being a bad girl, told myself, “Imma just go on 30 dates in 30 days and just….see what happens.” So it begins last week and it got off to a good start. Actually, a good & a bad start (she laughs).  Because after Date 1 on March 1, I thought about calling the whole thing off because I had such a nice time with…Him calling me out of the blue and asking to take me out. It was fabulous and then I’m thinking to myself, “I don’t want him to find out that I’m doing this and then think I’m playing games so maybe I’ll just call the whole thing off—only to have him do what? What he does best & drop the fuck off and then I had to reset & get myself all geeked up about going to Monday night yoga where it was my full intent to introduce myself to this guy that I’ve seen frequent the gym. So I’m really looking forward to that and then I get a phone call from my ex.

To make a long story short, this phone call put me in such a bad place, & not even just like, for the moment, but I feel like what transpired kinda put me in a bad place with my whole outlook on men & relationships period. I hate to even give someone that kind of power but I honestly felt like…. And I know that wasn’t his intent or…. I don’t believe that his intent was to be wrong or selfish, which is how it came off to me. But because it did, at that moment, I felt like, I just don’t trust anybody, like I thought that, my ex, of all people I thought I could trust. I thought he was different but now that even he has surprised me in that way, like, I’m done with everybody. I’m done trusting & believing anybody. So that part makes me want to be bad. That part makes me want to be heartless. That part makes me want to be cold-blooded. Yeah. That part.

I just don’t know if that’s even in my makeup, though. Like, even this whole #30Datesin30Days is waaaaaay out of my element and I’m uncomfortable doing it. As much as I say to people, “Oh it’s going so well,” like, the truth is I’m uncomfortable as hell. I am out of my element. I’m like a fish out of water. This is not me. I don’t even like to go out… (laughs hysterically) let alone go out with different men and engage them in conversation. But, I’m trying to look at it as though, I’m trying something new, you never know what can come out of it so, I’m just trying to roll with these punches. But I’m just….in a way after this phone call today. So let me get back to that.

He called & asked me for a favor last week & I got the slightest feeling that he really didn’t like the offer that I presented to him, although he never actually said anything sideways & he still accepted the “help”, I felt that way. And I didn’t hear from him again until today. And he called, asking questions, as he tends to do when what he really wants is….something. And while that is his general M.O., this time I wasn’t sure if he was just being his usual self or if he was actually trying to gauge the status of the social media post that I’ve advertised of me going on #30Datesin30Days. In any case, he went through this series of questions of “What are you doing later on?” to “How far is Malvern from where you are?” to “What time you gotta be at work?” basically because he wanted me to drive 45 miles to see him because he had to be there to take care of some business & wanted to see me.

I cannot even describe in words or emojis the feeling that came over me after I had time to process that.

It just struck a nerve with me on this day for a few reasons. Numero uno because, this is not the first time that we’ve been down this exact road. And at the end of it all, I just felt like he had no regard for my feelings. I felt like he was being selfish & it was as if my eyes opened up to how selfish he has been. I had to check myself really quickly even at the thought of the word “selfish” because I didn’t want to think of him as being selfish. That word, to me, carries a weight that has a negative intent. But it took me talking to my sister to realize that an act of “selfishness” is neither intentional or unintentional, but rather, what it declares, simply having regard for one’s self. Period. That doesn’t mean that the person intended to disregard your feelings but rather that theirs came first. When I thought about it that way, it made sense. And it struck a cord with me that what I want from any relationship is to be considered. I want you to consider how I feel. Like, even in something, seemingly as small as, driving to Malvern… did you even consider how that may convenience or inconvenience me? Did you consider how far of a drive that would be for me? Did you consider what traffic would be like for me? Did you consider what time I had to be at work? Did you consider how much time I would have to sleep after I drive 45 miles, hang out with you (because the point of this is was to actually spend time together) then get up at the crack of dawn just to get to work on time…..Did you even consider the fact that today is Monday? Did you consider the fact that you could have asked this on Friday, well in advance, when you knew you had plans on being here to see if we could prepare, in advance, to see each other? Did you consider the day that I may have had when you know that I’m still getting adjusted to my new job, working a part-time job & writing a blog? Did you consider any of that? And when I thought about it & I got mad about it, it made me think about Him and how I’ve given Him so many passes & chances upon chances to be inconsiderate to me. To have no regard for how I feel. I felt like, I needed to hold them both to the same standard. And for a split second, I felt like I was being unfair. Then I thought for another second & concluded this.

Anytime my ex has called me & quote, unquote “inconvenienced” me (for a lack of a better word), it was always to benefit him. I’m coming to town but I need a ride. I’m here in town but I need somewhere to stay. I’m going to be in town but first I gotta do…….whatever. And always at the last minute, “day of” type ish. At least with The Musician, I would get something out of the deal. Even if he did call me at the last minute, he had a plan. My ex complained that I wasn’t spontaneous, but he’d call me with half-ass plans like, “What you doin, I was thinking of going to Memphis for the weekend”. Okaaaay, does that mean, you’ve got hotel reservations…….? Or you just saying that you were thinking of going? You know what I’m sayin? I mean, if you’re going to call me on some “day of” ish, then I want some “what you see in the movies shit,” like have a note on my door when I get home & a big box from Dillards on the bed that says “Put this on & meet me @ 8,” type shit, you know??!!! Don’t call me on a humbug & low-key be in your feelings when you get a half-ass response from me.

But getting back to my point.

I don’t ask for a whole lot. Mainly because it’s not a whole lot that I really need from you. But one thing that I do need & require is that you consider me. That’s all.

-TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw