Through My Eyes

i_c_u___see_through_my_eyes_by_vigar-d5u88jsIt hurts to be so physically closed to someone & not be able to reach them. Like, he’s just 2 levels up in the very building I’m sitting in right now. In the hallway to my break room, we literally cross paths. Every time I go in there, I swear, I can smell his cologne.

I saw him this morning. Looked him square in the face. He saw me too. Didn’t acknowledge me. No expression. Nothing.
I feel like I’m about to explode. I’M ALL IN MY HEAD. I’M OUT OF MY MIND.
What’s worse? The fear of not knowing or having your worst fear confirmed.
I feel like, his avoidance is probably better than him telling me to my face that he changed his mind about us or is having second thoughts about our relationship. I couldn’t bear the idea of the man that I love looking me in the face, telling me that I’m a good woman & how much he loves me, but……da da da da da, like they do on The Bachelor.
It was so good. It was like a movie. And now it just turned into a horror movie.
On the other hand, I don’t even wanna cry over him anymore. I just want to be over him. Like, I truly do. Because I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t wanna be mad at him. I don’t wanna be sad anymore. I don’t wanna hurt anymore. I JUST WANT TO BE OVER IT. And I just want to be okay. Because right now, I’m not okay. And I don’t want to admit it but its sooooooooo painfully true. Right now, I’m on a slick “get back/revenge” type shit. Like, I just said to myself that I think the best revenge I could give him is to never speak to him again & not even give him an opportunity to lie to me EVER AGAIN. But I recognized, even from the tone of voice in my head that that’s not coming from a place of love. And even as hurt as I am right now, I still want to operate in love, with love- if that makes sense. What I mean is, I don’t wanna do or say anything out of spite just to get a reaction out of him. I want my actions to be as pure & as genuine & as true as what I feel, so I have to find a way to proceed in this difficult time with both love & hurt (which in my mind means a balance, sensitivity). I think the best thing I can do for me & for him at this moment (okay maybe I can’t do it at this moment but…) is to release him. Just let him go. Allow him to go.
For me, that looks like, not calling or texting anymore. Not even the last text to tell him that I won’t call or text him anymore, lol. Yeah. For me, it’s going on with my life with no expectation to ever see or hear from him again. Even if he should choose to call. Not in an angry way, just in a careful manner, you know. I feel like, he just….changed his mind about us. And as far as I’m concerned, he has the right to do that. And it’s not up to me to try & change it back. For whatever reason, WHATEVER REASON, he CHOSE to distance himself from me. I just want to be okay. No hurt. No anger. No pain. No fear. No resentment. Not even towards myself because I “knew this would happen“.
I feel sick at the thought of having to avoid his phone call. That is, if he even decides to call. I feel sick at the thought of not having to avoid his call. It’s a lose-lose for me. Loving someone as deeply as I do him, it’s bound to hurt to this degree.
And the worst part of all is, I can’t avoid the memory of him. I smell him every time I walk into the hallway of my office. Knowing that we walk the same path every day. Literally. I feel like I’ve never experienced a break up like this before, yet it all feels undeniably familiar. Surreal, almost. I literally keep feeling like at any minute, he’ll call and put an end to my misery.
Moments later….
It’s all good. In this moment, I feel a peace that I hope I can get back to whenever I need to. Just thinking about it puts me in a better space. I’ll be okay. He’s done this to me before & I was okay. I mean, I’m not saying that I got over him, but I was okay. And I’ll be okay now.



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