A Case of the Mean Reds

In the movie, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Holly Golightly, played by the legendary Audrey Hepburn explains the mean reds as being worse than the blues.

“Suddenly you’re afraid and you don’t know what you’re afraid of. You ever get that feeling?”

-Holly Golightly, Breakfast at Tiffany’s

For no apparent reason, I feel really shitty today and for the life of me I can’t pinpoint the source of my shittiness. I decided early this morning that today was going to be good so I put on my gospel music while I was in the bathroom getting ready for work this morning. I took extra time on my makeup and even though it’s a thousand degrees outside, I wore my hair down to cover up my shoulders because I chose a racerback top to wear to work.

Things were going really well until I got this one phone call. And even though the lady was frustrated (to say the least), I was confident that I had resolved her issue. I’ll admit that I wasn’t “Disney helpful” while doing so, but I wasn’t rude & again, more importantly, I resolved the issue of why she called in the first place so I was taken aback when she asked me for my name, and not in the tone of, so I can make sure I write a letter of how helpful you were but more in an almost threatening sort of way.

I hate to say it, but my immediate thought was, I don’t give a shit anyway. I’m not even supposed to be here. I’m supposed to be writing. I’m supposed to be creating, literally, creating my destiny, but I’m here pushing paperwork behind a desk. So maybe that’s what the source is. No, not the phone call, but the realization that I’m still working a job that doesn’t fulfill me. The realization that I’m wasting my own goddamn time because I don’t have the balls to quit and pursue what really makes me happy — partly because having a steady paycheck coming in to pay my bills also makes me happy.

Heaven knows I want to. I can even see it manifested in the future. I’m just scared… I’ve gotta figure this shit out before it kills me or worse, I die having lived a life unfulfilled. 

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3 thoughts on “A Case of the Mean Reds

  1. its so hard sometimes to decide whether to pursue ones passions as a professional and a source of income vs as a hobby. its also difficult because so many of our personal passions are much harder to monetize. But working a job that isnt fulfilling is also challenging! the conundrum. i love your introspection in this post.

    1. Right?!? Thanks so much for weighing in. I don’t know how but I know THAT this (working a regular job) is not it for me. Even thought about getting another job bc I felt restless here, but I realized that another job is not the answer. A quick fix, maybe, but…. I won’t be truly happy until I’m living my purpose. And for me, it’s creating.

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