I honestly didn’t expect it to happen this year. But on the eve of New Year’s Eve as I drove home, on a cold, rainy night no less, I felt the pressure rising up in my chest. To be honest, I felt it early Saturday morning when I woke up in a beautiful suite that overlooked my city, all alone.
When I got to my mother’s house just 4 days after Christmas, there was no more smell of pine because the tree that we’d cut down just a month before was now sitting on the curb. It was all quiet, mainly because when I arrived everyone was still in bed, but still. No more obnoxious family or friends to stop by, everyone, at that point, had left to return to their respective domiciles. I tried to play it cool with my mother who’d gotten up to make pancakes on this unusually cold Saturday morning. She insisted that she was kinda grateful to get back to her “regular routine”. For both our sake, I nodded in agreement.
The truth is I figured out why I get anxiety around this time. It’s because leading up to the holidays, I have so much to look forward to, in being with my family & friends. But once all of that is gone, I feel empty inside. Like there’s nothing immediate for me to look forward to. Everyone is always so nice around the holidays, it just seems for a small moment, a happy place. While I understand that New Years is supposed to be filled with hope, I couldn’t help but feel…anxious. Sorta hopeful, though. If holding your breath while hoping that some ridiculous stroke of luck falls your way counts…
The truth is that I’m probably so emotionally fucked up from 2018 that I’m afraid of what the new year may bring. The truth is while I want to be over my breakup this year, I’m still not all the way over it. And unfortunately, it’s not as simple as the turn of a page on a calendar.
That’s the thing about New Year’s. It’s so overrated. But in keeping with the spirit of the optimism that comes along with this day, I’ll indulge. The truth is that when you’re really tired of….anything in life, be it a job, a relationship or even a feeling, you’ll do something to change it. And it doesn’t take a whole new year to do it, but there is something magical in the symbolism of it all. The truth is I’m so over certain people and certain situations in 2018. My capacity to even give a fuck has been exhausted. This New Year’s Eve will be more than just a metaphor.
Happy Fucking New Year,