I’m starting to wonder if love has escaped me.
There was a time in my life when love
trumped (sorry, still grieving), when love meant everything to me. Like, everything. I used to be the girl who sought love at every turn. Embarrassed, in my 20s that I was the only one who wasn’t yet married or even with a legitimate prospect. Now I’m the woman in my 30s who truly feels single, sexy and free. Free to do what I want, when I want, with whom ever I want. Just to be clear, I’m not exactly doing all that I want with whomever I want, I’m just saying that at least I have the option. But really I don’t have the option because the way my moral compass is set up….. But that’s another blog. The point is, I have my own reasons for feeling that love, at least for now, is nothing more than a beautiful, evolving notion.
- I’m too wishy-washy. Anyone that knows me knows that I am the queen of indecision. Even the simplest choice, if I’m given options, can be a complex feat for me. My relationships are no different. I feel like my moods change with the wind, just like the weather in Arkansas. One day it’s 827˚degrees, the next day it’s snowing, and after that, it will rain for a week straight. Yep, that’s me. One day, I’ll be in love and I can’t live without you. But the next day, I may not even take your call. Today, I want to get married, but in 6 months, I’m going to South America for the summer. And, well, maybe that’s just not normal. And even if it is, it’s not fair. And I struggle with that.
- I sabotage my relationships. If you’re not giving me enough attention, then I feel neglected. If you’re giving me enough attention, then I feel suffocated, haha! I’m a handful, honey! It’s sad but true. Complicated, to say the least. With me, you can’t win for losing. And because I’m aware of this unreasonable quality about myself, I just feel like no one’s going to want to deal with that long-term, so it’s really kinda of my way of offering an exit strategy.
- I’m scared AF. I’m afraid that the failures of love have infiltrated my heart. And I don’t know if I have the ability to love someone forever, which in turn is the reason why I feel that no one would ever reciprocate that to me. I’m scared because nowadays I’m so passive about the prospect of love that it’s beyond nonchalant, it could be misconstrued as anti-love. I’m not only scared, but I’m confused as to where this sudden change came from. Ever since I was a little girl, I knew that I wanted to be a wife and a mother. And at some point this year, it seems as if I literally woke up one day like, “Nah, fuck that, I wanna do me”. Yet this desire to pursue my dreams is so commanding that it seems to overrule the idea that I can have both, simultaneously. And I know that it can be done, but I’m afraid that if I pursue one, then I not giving the other a fair chance because inevitably, I’ll get distracted. I know it sounds crazy, but I truly feel that I need to put all of my effort, all of my energy and maybe even all of my love into me and what makes me happy. But I am afraid that Love will get tired of waiting for me to change my mind and eventually move on. I’m afraid that Love won’t forgive me. I’m afraid that Love doesn’t trust me with his heart. I’m afraid that because all Love ever did was love me in a way that no one ever did before, that I don’t deserve him. I’m afraid that one day Love will wake up one day like, “Nah fuck this, I wanna do me,” and then I’ll be left there to pick up the pieces of the love that I destroyed.
When I was looking for love, the harder it was to find. Now that I’m not looking, it seems that love is trying to knock my door down. I mean, literally in one week I had 3 men that I once loved and never expected to hear from at this point, all reach out to me. I had one date and 3 prospects and the truth is, I’m terrified. I’m scared because there are no guarantees in love. I can’t offer them and I can’t expect them. Maybe if I knew that love came with a guarantee, then it would be easier for me to commit. But that’s the thing about love… It usually happens when you take a chance. And I just believe that no matter how hard you try, you can’t hide from true love.